Saturday

Well, I'm just checkin in. Things are ok now, mom has calmed down, and so has everyone else. I'm pretty sure it was just a bunch of stupid kids. i guess it's good thought that we have been reminded to stay safe. I'm good too. i'm spending the weekend with friends, so it's giving me some good dram-free down time. Thanks for everyone who has been concerned or offered to help.

Update

Well, things are ok. Everyone is a little on edge, but JJ came home yesterday. We have doneeverythin we can to protect ourselves. I think now that maybe it was just a random act of stupidity. The timing just really bothers me. Things are ok though.

A Woman's Intuition

Yesterday I finally wrote down a nightmare I had been having. I decided not to post it becuase I felt stupid, and as if I was just being dramatic and paranoid. I was wrong. JJ is out of town this week, our usual protector, he makes us feel safe, even with the knowledge that Dan Brock wants us dead. With him gone, Mom and I were both a little jumpy. We have both had this feeling all week that there is something wrong, something coming. Last night around 12 we heard our dog Matilda barking in the back yard. Mom and I went out to see what it was. We never saw anything. I finally told her about my nightmare. It makes me cry every time I even think about it. I can't get the images of my dead family and Dan's look of satisfaction out of my head. Mom was acting funny today. She drove Josh to school, when he normally takes the bus, citing that she didn't think it was a ood idea for him to be home alone today. She just didn't seem right. SHe called Melvin, my friend, and asked him to come spend the night tonight. When she picked me up she told me why she was so worried. Last night someone killed our two baby goats and our duck Floppsy. They were shot. It was very obviously killed on purpose, this was no accident. I freaked out and told her that we HAD to o home and put our dos in the house. It scares me because it is remnecent of something that happened back in Indiana. We were living in a new house, having moved out of Dan's. Mom's good friend was getting married and Mom, the boys, and I drove out for the wedding. While we were gone, our white lab, Chloe misteriously escaped from our back yard. She was pregnant and her pups were due in a few weeks. She had never run away before. Conveniantly, Dan found her body on the side of the road. She was my baby...she had been there for me at a time in my life when I really needed a friend. Now, she was dead. I have no doubt in my mind that it was Dan who let her out. I will never forgive him for that. Now, more of our animals are mysteriously dead. The timing is what worries me. If I had not had this feeling there was something wrong, I would assume it was kids...but this...this feels wrong. The feeling is stronger...and I know that there is something coming. I'm no longer scared...he killed my dog, and now possibly more of my animals. They are my kids....if he comes here...he won't leave.

The Other Shoe

I wrote this yesterday...I no longer feel like I'm crazy...Things have been great lately. Things at home have been really good. We are all busy and have our own things going on. I have school every day, Mom and JJ have work, and both boys have football. Being busy has been good for us. The stress level in the house has been minescule. Things with my friends have also been really good. The problem is, it has been my expieriance that when things are going this well, something will invariably go wrong...or something bad will happen. For thst past week I have had a nagging feeling in the back of my head. I had this feeling that there was something wrong. I have just recently, like within the last two months. been able to go to sleep without being afraid that Dan was going to kill me in my sleep. I used to have to stay up until I fell into bed and passed out to get to sleep. Dan is crazy and that is what makes him dangerous. I've ignored the feeling. I assumed it was just my imagination. Then, I started having the dreams again...terrible dreams...nightmares by all standards. They are all the same...I'm writing it down so maybe it will stop...Mom, JJ, please don't read it, or at least don't comment on it...please...I've been gone, somewhere...I think the Guy's house. I walk in the front door. The whole house is dark (I can't tell if it's late night or early morning). I set my bag on the kitchen table and get a glass of water. I look out and see the dogs are outside, strange only because they usually sleep in with the boys. I rinse my glass and set it in the drying rack. I walk down the hall, as I pass the boy's room I hear their radio blaring...not unusual. I open the door and creep in to turn it off. Now the house is quiet. I go to my room and change into some shorts and a T-shirt. I hear something in the hall, I assume it's mom coming to check on me. I open the door and the hall is empty. I walk to Mom and JJ's room and knock on the door, but it's ajar...so I push it open the rest of the way. It's dark. I walk quietly so I don't wake them. I walk to her side of the bed. I smell something funny like matches. I reach down and touch her shoulder, she feels cold. I start to shake her to wake her up. There is something wet. I turn on the light. I scream. I feel it stop in my throat and sit there. They're both gone. It looks like JJ was first, and Mom woke up from the noise. I'm panicked...I try to think, but my mind is screaming. I run to the boy's room. I notice the blood on the carpet in the pale light from outside. In my mind I just keep saying "No...no...no...please God...no..." I push the door open. I flip the switch. Josh is on the floor. He has a knife from the kitchen in his hand, there's blood on it. "Josh get up, I'm here, it's ok." He doesn't move. "Joshie...we have to get out of here,,,we have to get help...please Josh, get up." The words are always different, but i'm always just begging him to get up. I notice the blood at my feet...the blood in the hall is from when I came in to turn off the radio. Josh too is gone. I throw up. Jacob....where is he. I start screaming for him, I scream at the top of my lungs. I run....it's blurry where I am. Then, I'm in the cellar. I see Jacob huddled in the corner. I start to talk to him. Just when I get to him I hear a bang. I feel it hit me...it hurts. I turn and I see him. His hair is messy...he has a beard now...he's in all black...and he has a gun. I tell Jacob to run and I try get at him. I fall down and then I wake up. I don't know why I keep having it, but I'm tired of waking up crying. I'm not afraid anymore, just angry. I just don't want to keep having this stupid dream. Dan, if you're reading this, if you think you're going to come here andd surprise us...you're wrong. Don't be stupid...live your life and leave us alone...if you come here, you will not like what you find. Ok, well now pretty much everyone thinks I'm crazy....oh well.

My Friends and Old Wounds

I spent this past weekend at my friend's house. I may have mentioned Gus and Melvin before. They are both 25. I met them about 8 months ago through my friend Mia. I met Mia at my school. She was in my senior English class. The first day of class I was intimidated by her. She was only about 5'5", had jet black hair, a leather jacket, and more gay paraphanelia than I had ever seen in one place. She was surprisingly friendly and introduced herself to me. We hit it off right away, within that first week we were hanging out after school. Mia was 18 and lived with two roomies, Gus and Melvin. Most nights after class we would head over to their apartment. I would make Ramen noodles for the two of us, we would hang out and watch T.V., go to Waffle House, or go eat. We had a lot of fun. Gus was a little intimidating. He is tall, has broad shoulders, a shaved head, and a eneral air of intensity about him. Melvin was less intimidating, but very complicated. It has taken me nearly 8 months to "get" him. By that, I mean that I have only started to really know him, be able to finish his thoughts/sentences, and know what he's thinking very recently. Mia went to Florida a few months ago. I was worried that I wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. When we first moved here, I really struggled with feeling lonely and depressed, and I was afraid that I would fall back into it. Granted, Mia got annoying at times, but she was my friend, and I love her. The same week Mia left I went to Indiana for five weeks. The day before I left was when things with Jonathan pretty much fell apart. The time in Indiana was much needed. I had time to get my head straight and figure out some things. When I got home I went over to the Guy's new house. Gus had bought a house while I was gone. Melvin, Jeremy, Nicole, and Jonathan all live there now. Nicole and Jeremy were not moved in yet, and Jonathan hadn't decided to live there yet. I think it was July 4th. I had missed them so much. It was so great to be back with my guys. Since then things have been really good. I see the guys every weekend. We have grown a lot closer. I have also gotten to know Jeremy, Nicole, and Kat a lot better. They are my family...My home away from home of sorts. They help me see myself for who I really am, and to question things that before I may not have. Nicole had her baby last week. I finally got to see him this weekend. His name is Jordan. I love kids, but have never wanted any of my own...holdin that baby was enough to make me think about it. If the right man comes along, then I guess maybe I do want a kid of my own. I also met Gus's new girlfriend. Her name is Heidi. I am protective of my guys. They are my friends. I think she is good for him. He's been so happy the last couple weeks. I hope things with the two of them work out. I also found out that Jonathan is in love. He's happy, and that makes me happy. Well, this weekend was great. I just got to spend time with my friends, and that kicks butt.

Happy Thursday

Today is Thursday...finally. This week has seemed ridiculously long. All week long I kept wishing the week would be over. I didn't have a bad week...I just can't wait for this weekend. Melvin, Kat, and I are going to this thing called "Track Night" the local speedway...I say the local speedway because anyone of importance knows where I am, and there is always the chance that the Ogre could have no life and still be looking for us. I'm so pumped...this is my first real venture into adulthood. There are no parents, and only my own judgement to keep me out of trouble, granted Kat and Melvin will probably keep me out of trouble anyways. Mom is actually letting me leave for the whole weekend. It's awesome, because she knows she can trust me, and I know she's right. I'm actually excited to go to a race...how wierd is that. Well, I'll let ya'll know how it went when I get back...'till then, Peace Out Home Skillet (don't ask)

Happy Days

There are times in life where everything is going great. You think that things can’t get any better and you pray that they will stay the way they are. You are happy and content with your life. You find joy in the small things that you never noticed. I guess it’s just human nature, but you are always waiting fro the other shoe to drop. Life is full of ups and downs, but you always hope that things will stay on the ups longer than the downs. The bad things in life help us to appreciate the good things in life. I know that things can always get worse, so I try to always see the good in things. Of late, things have been a little rough. The family has been a little stressed, I’m desperately in need of a job, I need car insurance, and my love life has been non-existent. In general things have just been at a stand still. This week I finally feel like things are looking up. I finally got a car, well a truck. Melvin sold me his old Chevy S-10 this past weekend. School is going well too. My classes are much easier than I thought they would be. Things at home have mellowed a lot too. We are all finally meshing. Mom and I are getting along better than ever. I have finally realized that I can be honest with her and she’ll still love me. Thins with Gus and Melvin are good too. Gus has a girlfriend now. I’m so happy for him. He really deserves someone nice. He’s a great guy. Nicole had her baby, a boy, whose name I still doesn’t know. I hung out with Melvin and Kat this past weekend too. It was really fun. Kat, who is normally pretty quiet, was in rare form and a lot more talkative than normal. We went to see Four Brothers, which was a really good movie. It was just a really nice weekend. Jonathan was gone, so I didn’t have to worry about that whole thing. I’m ok with where things are with us. I have really been worried that he would act different with me now, but things are good. I guess I just worry too much. I do miss him though. I miss hanging out with him and Blake and even just talking to him. He’s a really nice guy, and at some point I hope we can be friends. For now, just being civil works for me. I’m so pumped, this weekend we’re going to this track night thing. I’m going with Melvin and Kat, and maybe Gus. It should be really fun. Ugh, this song has been stuck in my head for days now…that “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me” song. Then there’s always the Foo Fighters song, the one about “has someone taken the best”. Well, things are good. I’m happy. Things at home are good, and the future is bright. So, now that things are finally falling in place, I guess I’m ready to date, It would be nice to have a guy I was actually with, not that I don’t love the guys, but I need someone who is just mine. Well, I can’t wait for this weekend; it’ll be really fun. How could it not be?? I love hanging out with guys, and it’s always nice to get away from the house.

Slow Summer

Today is another slow summer day full of nothing. I spend my days watching T.V. and cleaning up after my brothers. Since we got back from Indiana things have been, in a word, boring. The days are hot and most days are rainy. Any attempt to walk to a park or library has been foiled by 90-degree weather or rain. I know, I have such a hard life, ok not really. I have been writing. I write about everything. Boredom is dangerous for me, especially since I already over-think things. I think about everything that has happened, and do a lot of introspective writing, you know why I am the way I am and such. I guess I’m just restless, I feel like a bum. I don’t have a car or a job, and not for lack of trying. School doesn’t start for a week or so yet. I do get to see my friends on the weekends, which is great. I don’t know what I would do without those guys. I guess they keep me sane. I hate drama, and for the most part there is none with them. The guys just got a new house, it’s beautiful. There are about four bedrooms, a kitchen, dining room, breakfast nook, living room, screened in back porch, three bathrooms (two of which have kind of Jacuzzi tubs), an office, nursery (for Nicole’s baby), a basement (where Jonathan will live eventually), and a nice garage (where Jeremy keeps his bike and tools). The house is nice. Jeremy and Nicole just moved all their stuff in and so now it doesn’t just look like a bachelor pad. The house is definitely full. Gus, Melvin (who has his son Melvin off and on most weekends), Jeremy, Nicole (who is due soon), Jonathan (who has his 4 year old son Blake most weekends), and for the time being Alfanso (Melvin’s nephew). There’s never a dull moment over there. There is always someone to talk to, something to do, or somewhere to go. Everyone gets along pretty well, which is amazing. I like everyone over there, and can pretty much talk to all of them without those awkward (what do we talk about now) moments. It’s fun and a nice break from the mundane constancy at my house. Oh, I am finally 18. Not much has changed. Mom has loosened up a little, and realizes now that she can trust me. So, things are good, but slow.

Ugly Duckling

Most of us go through our “ugly duckling” phase. At some point in our lives we are the ugly, weird, and goofy social outcast. We are the person that you don’t want to associate with if you value your oh-so-important reputation. I went through this phase for what seemed like forever, and in all honesty I’m not really over it yet. In grade school I was the fat kid, a poor kid in comparison to the rich ones surrounding me at my private Catholic school, the brainy kid (mature far beyond my years), and the teacher’s pet. Mrs. Rollins was my third grade teacher, and she took pity on me. I was a nice kid; I cared about others and did my best to help people. I was kind to those around me, even when they were mean to me. I got made fun of constantly from the beginning of 3rd grade when I moved to Logansport until about the middle of 4th grade year. The culprits were always the same two girls. Nicky and Aubrey were cruel to me all the time. They would call me fat, ugly, stupid, geeky, and any other painful things they could come up with at 12. At recess when everyone else was playing I would either stay inside and help the teachers or stand in the small space between the steps and the church next to the school. No one really talked to me and the teachers thought I was just an introvert and made no effort to get me involved. Mrs. Rollins was someone I could talk to about anything. I told her all about my Mom, brothers, pets, past, hopes, dreams, and how I was feeling. She always listened and helped me when she could. When I stopped caring about school she pushed me to turn in my work and use my brain. Some days I went into the bathroom and cried because their words stung so deep. I was young, and thought that the reason my Dad wasn’t there had something to do with me, and if only I had been prettier he would have stayed (I know now it makes no sense). Mom worked nights and was busy with two kids and a baby. Some nights I would go home and cry and she would hold me. I would tell her all the things they said and how much it hurt. Mom went into the school and talked with the principle and the teachers, they talked with the girls. That made things worse. They called me even more names, and now I was a crybaby on top of it all. I went home and told Mom. She told me this, “The next time that one of them says something mean to you, then tell them that if they ever say anything like that to you again you will punch them in the face. Jerra, if they do, you can punch them, you have my permission.” I was shocked, my Mom had just told me to hit someone. She had had enough. I guess there were some advantages to being taller than everyone else and big. This was about mid-year in 4th grade. A week later we were sitting in class and Mrs. Riggle was reading us a story. I had answered a question and Nicky had said something to the effect of “Oh so you’re fat and smart huh?” I stood up, hands on my hips, and yelled at her and Aubrey, “I’ve had enough, and I can’t take it anymore. Nicky if you ever say anything mean to me ever again I will punch you in the face.” I then proceeded to run out of the room, I never wanted to let them see me cry. After about 5 minutes the principle came to get me. I was brought down to the office to wait for my Mom. I explained the situation and what Mom had said. When Mom got there she talked with the principle and teacher fairly heatedly. The girls never said anything mean to me ever again, and we even became friends before I left in the 6th grade. When Mom and I got in the car that day, she hugged me and told me that I was very brave and she was proud of me. We moved to Arizona when I was in the 6th grade. I was so angry because I was finally at a point where I felt like I fit in and I was happy. We moved despite my protests and promises of eternal hatred. We lived on an Indian reservation. I had finally started to thin out a bit, learned how to use make-up, and carry myself with some confidence. The first school I went to was a nightmare. The boys were cruel and disgusting. They made sexual comments and harassed me every day at lunch and on the bus to and from school. I was there for about 3 weeks, maybe longer. Some boy on the bus wrote a fowl and sexually explicit note to me (remember I had gone to Catholic school and led a fairly sheltered life as far as knowing about sex). Mom was livid (I must add that this boys idea of an insult was to call me a “big white onion” which he spelled wrong). The next morning she marched into school with me and we went right to the principle. She yelled and screamed and used words I knew I was not allowed to use. We got my stuff and my transcripts and we left. I would now go to school in Chinle, which was 30 minutes away, but a better school. The principle decided I was way ahead of everyone else and let me skip 6th grade and put me in 7th. The first day of school I met Grant. He was an older man, an 8th grader. He was tall, skinny, one of the 3 white kids in the school other than myself, and had flaming red hair. He was a teacher’s assistant in my world history class. From the moment we met, we liked each other. He would walk with me to and from class, eat lunch with me, and sit with me all the time. He was qwerky and strange, but I adored him. He finally asked me out at a dance, we always danced together at dances. We went out for a long time. My friends made fun of me for going out with him. I was a cool kid, and he wasn’t. At first I didn’t let it get to me. He was the first boy I ever kissed. I loved him. They kept at it for a long time. I slowly started to pull away. I would avoid him in the halls, would get up when he came in the gym, and he kept trying. I finally broke up with him with a dramatic letter. I told him that if he could give me a reason to stay together that I would consider it. He was crushed, and cried in front of me. Eventually we were friends again. He knew that I liked Krithebius (a Navajo name) and it hurt him. At one dance I was sad because I wanted to dance with Krithebius (the most popular and attractive guy at school) Grant asked me to dance. I told him no and I wanted to dance with Krithebius. Grant actually went over to him and asked him to dance with me. It broke his heart and I could see him crying in the corner. I thought I was so cool. I never saw what I had in him. He was the first guy I loved and who loved me. He was also the first guy who’s heart I broke. He went to high school. I knew I had screwed up, but it was too late. I saw him from time to time and he was always kind and happy to see me. Eventually I lost contact with him. I moved to Indiana again in the 8th grade. I had confidence and mystery on my side. I was cool at my new school. I was still big, but had learned to let my personality shine through. My Mom always told me I was beautiful, but I never believed her. I loved it there. The school was good and I had a lot of friends. I eventually met Evan, another older man, he was a freshman. He was cool, and handsome, and way out of my league. We had a class together my freshman year. We sat next to each other. He was nice to me, and flirted with me constantly. I asked him to a dance, but he couldn’t go because he was going out of town. He later danced with me at a homecoming dance. In the end he was not the guy for me. I had a crush on him all through school. He graduated, and I was sad. I eventually moved again at the beginning of my senior year. Now we talk. Through high school, I got taller and thinned out. I finally started to see my beauty. My friends and family always tell me I’m gorgeous. Now, I’m about to turn 18. I am finally able to see that I am pretty. I can see that I have a lot to offer. I know that I’ll never be a super model, but as my Aunt Lora said “she’s pretty in a very exotic way”. All my years of being the fat kid were actually a blessing. They taught me how to make real friends, be kind to others, keep my feet on the ground, be strong, and now I’m a beautiful girl who is kind, has a good personality, and doesn’t act like a bitch. I still don’t have the confidence I would like, but I fake it well, and confidence is an attractive quality. So, I’m still the ugly duckling at heart, but I finally see the swan I am becoming.

I turn 18 soon

I turn 18 soon, and by most standards, I am an adult at that point. I can do all those things that before I could not. I can go to clubs, buy porn and cigarettes, own property, and move out of my parent’s home. Nothing really changes though; I will still be the same person that I was the day before when I was 17. If I was immature at 17, I’ll still be immature at 18. If I made bad decisions at 17, I’ll make bad decisions at 18. The only thing that changes is that my parents are no longer responsible for my actions. They can no longer tell you what to do or what not to do. Yes, they are still your parents, but at this point they have to trust that they have done their best and have raised you well. They have to know that you will make stupid choices, do stupid things, and get your heart broken even if they try to protect you. They have to be strong when they see you doing things that aren’t good for you, and simply point them out to you or give you advice. Then, they have to sit back and let you live your life and learn from your mistakes. They have to remember that when they were your age they made bad decisions too, and that they too wanted to be allowed to make them and learn from them. Granted, I have learned a lot from my Momma, who raised me, and Justin (my Dad) who has come into my life more recently. All I can say to my Momma to offer any kind of assurance is that I have learned from the mistakes I’ve made, and that those around me have made. I will not make the same mistakes that she made. I will make new ones, but I will always be ok in the end. She has done a fantastic job raising me, if I do say so myself. I am not a typical teenage girl. I’m not doing those things that most my age are. I am a pretty good kid, and no thanks to myself. My Momma is my hero, and always will be. Most kids don’t want to be anything like their parents, but I only hope I can be half the wife and mother that she is. She is Super Woman. So, I may make mistakes, but I will always have a family that loves me and is there for me. I know that if I’m in doubt about something, I can always go to my parents and get their advice, which I may not always listen to, but I will do my best. I know that my Momma got where she is now through years of hardship and heartbreak, and she doesn’t want me to have to do the same. I will try my best not to disappoint her, but the best I can do is always follow my heart, even when it doesn’t make sense. She has taught me that a woman’s intuition is a valuable tool is navigating life, and as long as you listen to it, you will be ok. My Grandpa and Justin have both shown me the type of man that I want to marry, and what true love looks like. I know that the next few years will be rough, but not intolerable, and that in the end I will make everybody proud.

Like Everyone Else

No one wants to be like everyone else. Everybody wants to be unique and special, despite the fact that they try to fit in. They want, deep down to be accepted for whom they really are. Those people who we are closest to us are those who know us the best, or who know the part we let them see the best. They accept us for who we truly are and make no effort to change us. We all hide parts of ourselves from certain people granted this is no big secret, but must be stated for the good of the rest of what I write. We are a different person around different people; this is to say that we let different facets of our personality show around different people. We are not faking or pretending around them, we simply subdue those aspects of our personality that would be socially unacceptable to them. We also yearn to be accepted by those around us. Even those people who proclaim to not care what others think want acceptance. They simply don’t place as much value on acceptance as others. Thus far I have spoken in generalizations, now I’ll get to the point. When we first meet someone, we alter our personality to fit what we think they will like (this does not always happen, but is prevalent in meetings with the opposite sex). We all have that friend who when faced with a guy she likes becomes loud and obnoxious in an attempt to gain their attention. We also know those who get quiet and shy around the opposite sex. I classically lose IQ points when faced with a guy I like. I milk the dumb-blonde act for all it’s worth. I don’t do it on purpose, but I know that it works and even when I try not to, the ditz in me manages to slip out. I think I do it because I’m afraid that a guy won’t like me if he sees how smart I am. This is also why I tend to date older guys, and have older friends. I can relate to them on the same level and not worry about them being intimidated by my intelligence.

Sometimes

Sometimes you have to hear things that you don’t want to. Sometimes you know things, but don’t want to hear about them. Sometimes you know things, but you think that if you ignore them they will go away or change. Sometimes when you risk everything, you lose. Sometime when you risk everything, you win. Sometimes you want to be held close. Sometimes you want to be alone. Sometimes you are strong and brave. Sometimes you are weak and scared. Sometimes you lose those you love. Sometimes you gain new love. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Sometimes you catch it. Sometimes you get smacked in the head with it and knocked out. Sometimes you have to have loved and lost to know when to love and hold on. Sometimes you have to lose something or someone to be whole. Sometimes you need to laugh at yourself. Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself, even when no one else will. Sometimes you are right. Sometimes you are wrong. Sometimes you fall down and get up right away. Sometimes you fall down and have to be picked up. Sometimes you have to talk. Sometimes you have to listen. Sometimes you have to be kind to those you don’t like. Sometimes those who don’t like you have to be kind to you. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that everyone you meet has loved, is loved, and has lost someone they love. Sometimes heartbreak is for the best. Sometimes heartbreak leaves scars. Sometimes you have to let go even though you want desperately to hold on. Sometimes you have to hold on even though you want desperately to let go. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. Sometimes you have to tell the truth even though you know it will hurt someone. Sometimes you have to tell the truth even though you know it will hurt you. Sometimes life is hard, but hold on because the best is yet to come…every hurt, smile, love, loss, gain, and person you encounter in your life has a purpose and leads to your destiny. Even though you may mean nothing to most, you mean everything to someone. Never forget your dreams, they keep you young. Never leave on bad terms, you may never get a chance to make things right. Life is short, so; Love like it’s the first time, Dance like no one is looking, Sing even if you can’t carry a tune, Laugh at yourself and with others, Cry when you want you, and Never apologize for who you are, but for bad decisions. Always remember that even though you may not marry the person you are dating, someday they will be someone’s husband or wife, so treat them gently and with respect.

Thankful

I’m having one of those days where I think my life sucks, and I’m all kinds of depressed, so I’ve decided to look at the positive stuff in my life. I’m going to make a list of all those things I’m thankful for. So, here it is. I’m thankful for…My family because I know they will always be there for me, My Momma because she has wiped away the tears, kissed away the pain (weather from a skinned knee or heartbreak), she has given me advice even when she knows that I don’t want to hear it, she has taught me to be independent, given me faith in God and the human race, she has taught me that gardening is cheaper than a therapist and just as effective, she has taught me that you can never have too many pets (this includes dogs, ducks, frogs, birds, fish, ducks, goats, dogs, and any other animal who “hasn’t got no family, let’s take he home.”), she has taught me to be strong for myself and my family, she has taught me that brains are more important than beauty, that even though every man may not see your beauty the right one will, she has taught me that beauty comes from the inside and makes the outside glow, she has taught me that it’s okay to cry (in movies, when you’re sad, angry, happy, scared, and any other time you need to), that tears help mend a broken heart, that faith is worth more than all the money in the world, that God takes care of his children, she has taught me that just because someone else is a jerk doesn’t mean you can be, that a woman’s intuition is not to be ignored, that following your heart may get you hurt but you’ll never regret it or say “what if?”, she has taught me that a woman does not need a man to make her whole only to compliment her, that everything you do has an effect on those around you so be careful what you do, that a family’s job is to protect one another’s dignity at all costs, that if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all, that it’s easier to make the wrong decision than it is to undo the damage, she has taught me that you can undo the damage when you make the wrong decision, that I’m worth a lot more than I give myself credit for, that I’m always going to be her baby, that she’s pretty much always right, she’s taught me to admit when I’m wrong, to learn from my mistakes, that God doesn’t care what “flavor” you are as long as you live a good life and love him and others, she’s taught me that family is the most important thing after God, she has taught me to “agree to disagree”, to be bull-headed, to be humble, to be kind, to be generous, to be loving, to be careful, she has taught me that what you put into something is what you get out of it, not to sweat the small stuff, to know where your weaknesses are and work to improve on them and yourself, she has taught me that true love is hard to find and may not come in the time or package we expect, most of all she has taught me sometimes life is hard, but as long as you do what is right and stay close to God, everything will be okay. I am thankful that I am like my Momma, and that I am becoming a woman I can be proud of because of her. I am thankful for my Dad (and now that I think about it, the fact that I can now use that word in a positive way) because even though he isn’t our real dad, he loves us like his own, he has taught me that the right person is out there and will complete you, that God has a sense of humor (look at the Platypus), that not all men are bad, that quiet is precious, that hot sauce is a food group, that big scary bugs can be dealt with by the Dad, that generosity and kindness always come back to you, that even cheesy slasher flicks have value to someone (him), that I don’t like movies with zombies in them (except that one, umm…Shaun of the Dead…there’s that one part where he’s like…dadadadada…arghhh…it’s funny), and most of all that he is not like every other man that has been in Mom’s life, and that he loves her and us with a passion that is admirable. I am thankful for Josh because he has taught me to be patient, look at things closely, all about Star Wars (and every other movie EVER), to appreciate even the smallest things in life, that even the cute guy has problems, to stand up for yourself, to forgive, to love even when you don’t know why, to be thankful, and to have fun and be goofy. I’m thankful for Jacob because he shows me every day how to love unconditionally, he has taught me that dancing to the tune of a different drummer is not a bad thing, that even the stinky kid has feelings, tolerance, patients, tenderness, that a hug from those little arms can make the world seem right, that when I’m sad he’ll be right there with me crying too, that I am a role model and he watches my every move, most of all he has taught me that there is always something worth living for and someone there for you when you need them, and that when God gives you a second chance you can’t waste it. Jacob is a precious gift that we almost lost very early in his life, so I am thankful for him every day and every second with him is precious (even when he’s having a “rain-man” day). I am thankful for my Papaw. He has taught me so much about faith, God, morality, values, and life in general. He has taught me that family matters, that chivalry is still alive, that true love is unconditional, that there are good men in the world, that when you do things the right way the first time it’s much easier than fixing them after doing them the wrong way, he’s taught me not to cry over spilled milk (just leave the room and come back after it’s cleaned up), that golf balls can make it all the way across the river and into the woods on the other side, that a dog is man’s best friend, that grandparents are there to love and spoil, and only punish when they must, that wisdom comes not only with age, but with experience, that you can’t control others but you can control yourself, that strength is not only physical, that faith is important, he’s taught me that prayer is stronger than any medicine, that cancer is like a football game, most of all my Grandpa has taught me to be a good person, and to wait for a man who treats me like he treats my Grandma. I am thankful for my Memaw because she has always been there for me, she always has candy at the lake, she has taught me that root beer is a food group, that dogs do wear clothes, that meatloaf is good, that some people can wear neon pink lipstick, that Shaklee makes everything (and it’s always the best), that modesty is important, that honesty and integrity are valuable, that abstinence saves you from a lot of heartbreak, that computers are confusing, and that you are always learning. My Gram has been there for the family and I through it all, and loves us even when we mess up. I am thankful for Joe because he has taught me that sometimes people let the best things, those that would save them, and those that they need more than anything slip through their fingers, that you can’t miss someone you don’t know, but it still breaks your heart every time you think about them, that the father-shaped piece missing in my heart is very small, even un-noticeable. I am thankful for Dan because he has taught me that I am strong, that we (Mom, Josh, Jake, and I) will always be okay, no matter what adversity we may face, that crazy people don’t all wear straight jackets, that evil is not some intangible idea, but a man named Dan Brock, that only a coward hits a child, that only a coward runs from a 16 year old girl, that only a coward hits a woman, that nothing good comes from revenge (well except Sprite on window sills, a dead squirrel in a closed van in the heat of summer, or seeing someone who has tormented, hurt, insulted, and made you feel unsafe and in fear of your life arrested) unless it’s from God (then it’s flippin sweet), that moving on and rebuilding lives takes only as long as you let it, and that although there are men out there who are evil and dangerous, there are also those who are good and will protect you. I am thankful for my friends. Laurel because she knows everything about me and loves me just the same, knew me before I was cool and was my friend, is honest, is like a sister to me, cares about me, shares her life with me, and most of all because she is there for me when I need her and gives me invaluable advice. Megan because she has taught me to have faith and confidence in myself, and that being a social-butterfly is exhausting and drama-ridden. Heather because she has taught me to take school seriously and being smart doesn’t mean that you are mature. I am thankful for all my friends through the years, they have all left an indelible mark on my heart and my life. I am thankful for young love, Grant because he taught me not to listen to what other people say and to follow your heart, Evan because he taught me that there is a fine line between a crush and stalking (one which I crossed and danced back and forth on multiple times), and that you can’t make someone love you, you can just make yourself someone who can be loved, Hittle because he taught me that a good friend does not always make a good boyfriend, Pfarr because he taught me to be strong in my faith, and that there really are great guys out there, Caleb because he taught me that infatuation makes you stupid, Jonathan because he taught me that honesty in vital in a relationship, you can’t force chemistry, there really are kisses that make your toes curl and your heart flutter, chivalry is a charming trait, some men are not men at all, what a good father looks like, to work hard and within your means, to take a chance even if you could get hurt, age doesn’t determine maturity, that some things are worth waiting for, and some are not, and that sometimes you just have to wait for the right time for love. I’m thankful for all my pets because they have taught me how precious and fragile life is and that unconditional love can be found in the strangest places. I am thankful for all the material things I have. I am thankful for the rain because it’s warm, smells sweet, seems to wash away all the bad things, makes the flowers grow, and brings back happy memories of carefree days and nights. I am thankful for the beauty that surrounds me every day in nature and in the people around me. I am thankful for the bad that I see and experience because it helps me to recognize and appreciate the good. I am thankful for my past, present, and future. I am thankful for all those people, experiences, things, hurts, joys, and places that have made me the woman I am proud to be.

Dear Boy

This is an idea I stole from the "Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul" book...it was cute...so I wrote my own.
Dear Boy,

I don’t know who you are, when or where we will meet, but I hope it is soon. I pray that when we meet and fall in love, you will love me because I am Jerra, and not hope for someone thinner or prettier. I hope you won’t compare me to girls who may have brighter smiles, longer legs, or nicer bodies. I hope that you will make me laugh, take care of me when I get sick, hold me when I’m sad, kiss me when you want to and you’re nervous. I hope you’ll sing to me even though you don’t know how, chase me even though you know I’m yours, want me around all the time even though you know we both have lives to lead, and dance with me even though you don’t like to. I hope that you will do these things not because you think I expect you to, but because you know that I want you to and you will enjoy them just because we are together.
I hope you will remember that I prefer white roses to red, and that my favorite color is purple. I hope you remember that my eyes aren’t blue, but green with gold and navy flecks. I hope you know that I like all kinds of music, but mostly the songs that make me cry with their sincerity, even when they’re country. I hope you know that I will think of you all the time, even when we are apart, and especially when we are together. I hope you know that I will do anything for you, even if it means sewing a rip in your jeans, feeding your dog that insists on slobbering all over me every time I see him, or watching a movie that’s about some sport, or a war. I want you to know everything about me, even those things that I try to hide. I hope that you love me even though I’m not perfect, and you love my imperfections because they are a part of me. I hope you want me to meet your family because you think I’m fantastic and you talk about me all the time. I hope that you never mention your ex-girlfriend because you never think about her when you’re with me, unless it is to say how much happier you are with me. I hope you know that your kiss makes everything ok Most of all I hope you know that anything I ask of you I will do the same for you and that I will love you even when I’m angry with you.
Please know that I may be too shy to kiss you first, and don’t be afraid to kiss me, I won’t slap you or push you away. Please don’t worry about how well you kiss; your kisses will be perfect. Please don’t stress about where to take me on a date, because it doesn’t matter as long as I’m with you. Please know that I love to watch sports with you, and play sports with you, and sometimes I just want to watch you play. Please know that you will catch me late at night awake just watching you breathe because I don’t want to miss a thing. Please know that I don’t expect you to be perfect, do everything right, or read my mind. Please know that I love everything about you because it makes you who you are.
If I cry, please know it isn’t because of you, just hold me close, and I’ll heal quickly. And, if it is because of you, know that I’ll be okay, and I’ll heal just the same. Please know that some days I just need to cry and be sad, and others I need to be angry and vent to you. Know that I don’t expect you to make it better, I just want you to listen and be there to support and comfort me. Please know that when I get angry I say stupid things, that may hurt you, and even thought I never want to hurt you I will say them. Please know that when I am hurt by something you do, I will tell you I’m okay, even though inside I’m being torn apart. Know that I will tell you if I need to talk, but that you aren’t supposed to talk, just listen. Know that everything you say and do, I remember. Know that what you call baggage, I call history, and all of yours I accept and respect, and all of mine is not important. Know that I will always be there for you; all you need to do is ask.
Know that if we decide to break up, that I may be bitter at first, but I do want you as a friend. Know that if I say I’m not ready for a serious relationship, I mean it, Know that I will never cheat on you or be unfaithful in any way. If you’ll let me I’ll remember that you have feelings too, even if you’ll never admit it. Please tell me if anything I do ever bothers you, or just doesn’t sit right. I want you to always be honest with me, because I will always be honest with you. If I have a bad day, I hope you will shower me with love and assurance.
I hope that you don’t think I’m asking too much of you. I hope you know I’m not putting you up on a pedestal you can never reach. I hope you know that I’m a little nervous and scared too. I wish I could tell you when we will meet, and if we’ll be together forever, but every relationship is like a game of cards, and…sigh…I’ve never been good at cards. All I can tell you is that someday we will find each other and we will love each other deeply and passionately. I hope you know that every choice you ever made, every thing that ever happened to you, every girl you ever loved, and every time your heart got broken, it was leading you closer to me, and making you the person I would fall in love with.
Baby, I’m waiting for you. I’m being the best I can and doing all I can to be the one you will fall in love with. I am trying my best to be patient, because I know you are out there waiting too. I pray that we will meet soon, and we can start our lives together, but even if we don’t meet for years, know that there is one person in this world who will love you for who you are, never try to change you, do everything for you that she can, and who is praying that your path crosses hers very soon.

Always and Sincerely Yours,
Jerra

After Awhile

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand, and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning, and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts, and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today, because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers, and you’ll learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth. You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. Relationships are like sand held in your hand. If you hold the sand loosely, in an open hand, the sand remains where it is, but the minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. It’s all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back. True love means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance.

quick note

I will be posting again soon...as soon as we have internet at the house again.