Joey

Well...Mom said it best..."Life is a series of beginings and endings." This is just another ending...or begining...maybe both. Things with Joey have been good in general. He's a nice guy. There was some drama a few weeks ago, but that was my fault. I kissed another guy...I know I'm stupid...trash...whatever. I wasn honest with Joey and told him as soon as I saw him what had happened. He said that as far as he was concerned kissing wasn't cheating, and went about his night. As messed up as it sounds, I was really pissed that he wasn't more upset. Here this guy tells me he loves me, and then doesnt even care that I totally kissed some other guy. I guess that was the start of our troubles. I began to see that Joey, although a good guy, is not the guy for me. I contemplated breaking up with him, but the thought of how his sister would react stopped me. She had made it very clear that if I hurt him I was in trouble. I really like Melissa, she is one of my only girl friends. So things went on as usual, but there was something different. There was a gap growing between us. When he kissed me, some of the passion was gone, when he held me...it just wasn't the same. I used to want to be around him all the time, but started to spend less time on the phone with him or with him and more time with my other friends. Still, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should hang in there...give him a chance. He never brought up me kissing the other guy even once. So I saw him last weekend. Things were almost back to normal. When he dropped me off at my house he was in a hurry and had to get to a funeral for his cousin. Well, we talked Monday night...I had to call him, which is odd. Tuesday I called him again...he cant call my house after 10pm because the boys are in bed. Wednesday afternoon he called me. That was really strange. He sounded wierd on the phone. I asked him what was up. He said that he had been thinking about "you and me". I said "what about us?". He went into a long dicertation about how he was really stressed with looking for a job and stuff, how he fealt like he was holding me back, how he was worried about hurting me or doing the wrong thing, how he really just needed to be alone, and how maybe we could just be friends and try this again later. I listened...jaw pretty much down to the pavement. Was this really happening? How could it be...I was the one who was going to break up with him...and now here he is telling me we should just be friends. So I asked where this had all come from. he said that he had been focusing on me more than the other stuff he had to take care of...funny since I only see him one day a week as it is. He said that if he got a job he'd only be able to see me once a week and that if he didn't he would be going back to school...like I have been saying he should forever. So I asked him one very important question..." Joey, are ytou happy with me?" He paused..."Yeah, happier than I've ever been in my life."..."So Joey...does it make a lot of sense to get rid of the one person who really cares about you and who make syou happy?" He said he was really worried about hurting me and that he just couldn't handle worrying like that. So I told him the only way he could really hurt me would be to cheat on me. I said maybe we could just change our status...be non-exclusive. He said that was a good idea. So now we're back to just dating. He had to go, told me he loved me, and hung up. Then, my brain got out of "holy shit...PANIC" mode...then i was like "what...why didn't I just let him break up with me??" What was I thinking?? So...for some reason i had decided to stay with him. i guess I want him to be sure when he breaks up with me, and I want to talk to him in person. I know that we won't last and that we are doomed at this point, but i wasnt him to know that he is breaking up with me for a good reason. I don't want him to look back with regret when I have moved on. He hasn't called me now in two days...I'm really kinda worried about him. i'm gonna see him this weekend hopefully and wrap this whole thing up. Wish me luck.

Dump Heidi

Well, we went to UGA this weekend. Its number one on my list of potential colleges. We drove up to go see the campus. We spent the day driving around campus and then we stoppped and walked around a bit. We passed a lawyer's office and this sign was in the window...given recent events, it seemed appropriate. Enjoy...

Didja miss me?

Well, of course you did. How could you go on without my blog to read? I know it was har, but I'm back. I needed to take a break...to clear my head...and perhaps I needed to gain some perspective on my life. There are times when my writing clears my mind, the thoughts on paper are so easy to disipher, but there are also times when what I think and what I write get muttled. Life got kinda fuzzy around the edges there for awhile, and I found that I was not myself, well I was not the self that I have worked so hard to become. There was no big turning point...in order for that to happen I had to be on the wrong path. It was not so much that as it was that I was confused. Geez...look at me, all kinds of philosophical...all I'm saying is that I was gone, but now I'm back. The past is the past and there is no need to dwell on it. That said...on to more recent events.

First...Joey. Joey is one of the best things that has ever happened to me in my life. For the first time I am with someone who is afraid to lose me, who says that he loves me and means it, and who genuinly cares about me. In the past I have chosen guys who were less than ideal, but I do believe that this time I have done a fairly good job of it. You know when you go to the fair and there is that duck pond...the one where you pick a duck with a number on the bottom and you get a prize. You always have to do it more than once, and usually you get some crappy yo-yo or a poster of a random Mexican soap star, but sometimes you pick the duck that wins you a big furry pink monkey. Granted, that analogy only works for those of you who have always wanted a large stuffed pink monkey, which I must say I used to have. Now that I think about it, it may not have been a monkey...maybe it was a bear. He wore overalls, I remember that much. Anyways, there was a point. Look a puppy! I know I'm borderlined ADD...or maybe I'm just blonde. (Courtesy of Josh ~ A blind man walks in to a bar and sits down. He orders a drink and says "I've just heard the best blonde joke ever." The man behind the bar says "Sir, I'm blonde. The man to your left is blonde and about as tall as he is wide. The man to your right is blonde and looks like he could bench about 500lbs. Do you really want to tell that joke? The blind man pasuses and then replies "Hell no! I don't want to have to repeat it 50 times.") So Joey and I are doing well. Of course there haver been bumps along the way, but in general we are doing well. We are both puttting forth the needed amount of effort and we are both happy.

Next...Grandpa. He is sick again. The cancer is back and with a vengence. He is now on the radioactive chemo. We went to see him for Christmas, well we went to see both my granddparents. He looks ok. I wish there was more I could do to help. He can always use your prayers.

Last...I promise I'll get on here more.

Jerra