Joey

Well...Mom said it best..."Life is a series of beginings and endings." This is just another ending...or begining...maybe both. Things with Joey have been good in general. He's a nice guy. There was some drama a few weeks ago, but that was my fault. I kissed another guy...I know I'm stupid...trash...whatever. I wasn honest with Joey and told him as soon as I saw him what had happened. He said that as far as he was concerned kissing wasn't cheating, and went about his night. As messed up as it sounds, I was really pissed that he wasn't more upset. Here this guy tells me he loves me, and then doesnt even care that I totally kissed some other guy. I guess that was the start of our troubles. I began to see that Joey, although a good guy, is not the guy for me. I contemplated breaking up with him, but the thought of how his sister would react stopped me. She had made it very clear that if I hurt him I was in trouble. I really like Melissa, she is one of my only girl friends. So things went on as usual, but there was something different. There was a gap growing between us. When he kissed me, some of the passion was gone, when he held me...it just wasn't the same. I used to want to be around him all the time, but started to spend less time on the phone with him or with him and more time with my other friends. Still, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should hang in there...give him a chance. He never brought up me kissing the other guy even once. So I saw him last weekend. Things were almost back to normal. When he dropped me off at my house he was in a hurry and had to get to a funeral for his cousin. Well, we talked Monday night...I had to call him, which is odd. Tuesday I called him again...he cant call my house after 10pm because the boys are in bed. Wednesday afternoon he called me. That was really strange. He sounded wierd on the phone. I asked him what was up. He said that he had been thinking about "you and me". I said "what about us?". He went into a long dicertation about how he was really stressed with looking for a job and stuff, how he fealt like he was holding me back, how he was worried about hurting me or doing the wrong thing, how he really just needed to be alone, and how maybe we could just be friends and try this again later. I listened...jaw pretty much down to the pavement. Was this really happening? How could it be...I was the one who was going to break up with him...and now here he is telling me we should just be friends. So I asked where this had all come from. he said that he had been focusing on me more than the other stuff he had to take care of...funny since I only see him one day a week as it is. He said that if he got a job he'd only be able to see me once a week and that if he didn't he would be going back to school...like I have been saying he should forever. So I asked him one very important question..." Joey, are ytou happy with me?" He paused..."Yeah, happier than I've ever been in my life."..."So Joey...does it make a lot of sense to get rid of the one person who really cares about you and who make syou happy?" He said he was really worried about hurting me and that he just couldn't handle worrying like that. So I told him the only way he could really hurt me would be to cheat on me. I said maybe we could just change our status...be non-exclusive. He said that was a good idea. So now we're back to just dating. He had to go, told me he loved me, and hung up. Then, my brain got out of "holy shit...PANIC" mode...then i was like "what...why didn't I just let him break up with me??" What was I thinking?? So...for some reason i had decided to stay with him. i guess I want him to be sure when he breaks up with me, and I want to talk to him in person. I know that we won't last and that we are doomed at this point, but i wasnt him to know that he is breaking up with me for a good reason. I don't want him to look back with regret when I have moved on. He hasn't called me now in two days...I'm really kinda worried about him. i'm gonna see him this weekend hopefully and wrap this whole thing up. Wish me luck.