Just Great

A few weeks ago I was over visiting my friends (Alison, Amanda, and Bubba) who just happen to be Joey's friends too. I said something stupid that gave Bubba the impression that I am lying to Joey and just out to hurt him. I found out that it gave him this impression today when I was talking to Joey. The past few weeks Bubba has been very short with me and even mean at times. I wasn't sure what I had done, but I knew that I must have done something. I asked Joey if he knew why Bubba was mad at me. He was quiet...that was a yes. So, eventually, I find out that Bubba thinks I'm trying to hurt Joey and that I'm lying to him about a particularly delicate matter. Apparently last week Bubba said he didn't want me coming over anymore. Joey opted not to tell me because he was afraid that I wouldn't go over there anymore, and that just happens to be about the only time that I get to see him. Joey told me that he trusts me and knows I'm telling him the truth, but that I need to talk to Bubba. I also need to talk to teh other person involved and have him coroborate my story. Poor Joey was really worried that I would just decide not to go over ther anymore. He just kept telling me that everything would be ok. He's a good guy. So, I have to talk to Bubba this weekend and get all this crap straightened out...great. Oh well, I guess there is always going to be at least a little drama in my life.

Curl up and dye

It's one in the morning and I had the bright idea to color my hair. So, the color is sitting in my head, and burning my eyes...that's always fun. I had 10 minutes to kill...so here I am. Thus far, it's not looking quite like I planned, a little darker that my normal...porno blonde...as Joshua and Joey call it. It actually looks a lot closer to my natural color. The only reason I even bother coloring my hair is that in the summer it goes from a pleasant light blonde to Pam Anderson bleach blonde. So, for the other four seasons my hair grown in the normal color, if I didn't color it, my haor would be striped. So, i color my hair...every 6-8 weeks...usually more. I was starting to get a bit of a striped effect...as my hair went from light blonde at the roots, copper blonde next, and then porno blonde the rest of the way. It looked much liek one of those sand art bottles one buys at flea markets and amusement parks. We'll see how this goes. Joey and Melvin both implored me not to darken it, and I would just like to say for the record that I had no intention of doing so. This is the color on teh box...we'll see what I get.

Good news...the color came out great...a little darker than on the box, but it looks good...I'm happy...yay!! OK, well now I guess I should be off to bed...night ya'll - Jerra

Coffee

Due to a lack of half-and-half and our newly purchased coffee maker, I have discovered that I like my coffee black with just a touch of sugar. Which just happens to be earthshattereing news to a girl who has always had coffee with her cream and sugar. Home Depot finally called today. I have to go in Monday around noon to fill out the final paper work and then I have orientation Tuesday and Wendnesday from 8am-5pm...then school from 6pm-8pm...great! Oh well, it'll be nice to finally have money. I get paid for orientation too, so that's (9hrs a day x 2 days = 18hrs x 8$ an hr = 144$)....SWEET!! I know, I know, 144$ isn't much to all you big shots, but when you go from no money to some money, it's a big deal. Of course I already have plans for the majority of my checks from now until the end of college...haha. I have to put away at least half of every check for college, and then I can only spend what I absolutly have to. I have to get a cell phone, which if I use one of the Tracphones we already have will only cost about 30$. I have to figure in about 40$ a week in gas. So, lets do the math here (144/2 = 72 - 30 = 42 - 40 = 2 ). So, I will have a whole 2$ to spend out of my first check. Granted, I may wait awhile to get my cell phone, but I haver to get the truck up and running so I can be mobile again. More than likely this initial check will cover the expenses of the truck, because it needs some work. Well...i guess it's good I'm gonna be working. It will make my life a whole lot easier. I will be able to drive around and meet my friends rather than have them pick me up all the time. i can run errands when I need to rather than waiting until Mom or JJ can take me. I will be able to buy the random crap I decide I need. But, most of all, I'll be able to make Mom's life a little easier. Well, I have to go get ready for school...later Gator.

Jonathan again

I went out with Melvin last night. We went galavanting around town for a bit. We went to Wal-Mart to look at treadmills with 0ur friend Kim then to the mall to see a movie. We saw "Date Movie". I must say it was freakin hilarious, but really not a "Date" movie. Theres a scene where thsi chick is getting lypo and the nasty fat is draining into a large vat that says mayonaise...gag. It is of course gered toward a younger audiance and vulgar humor is the basis of it's comedy, but it was definitly worth seeing.

Now, to the point of this particualr post. I talked with Melvin about Jonathan last night. Melvin is at this point my best friend here. he may not be what my parents picture as an ideal friend, but he is a good friend to me. In talking about Jonathan, which I can only do for a short period of time before it starts to hurt, I realized that he is My "one that got away". I will probably always love him. I'm not really sure why, but I know that I certainly haven't gotten over him yet...nearly a year later. I'm not saying i haven't moved on, because I have. I am very happy with Joey, which isn't something I say lightly. I"m not sure you ever really "get over" someone you love. I can't just stop loving him...I can't just stop caring. I was thinking last night about our first kiss. We'd been dating for close to a month and he'd never kissed me. I was beginning to worry. That particular night we had gone to a concert, some friends of mine who aer in a local band were playing. He wasn't going to come, but then at the last minute said he would. It was always hard to spend time with im, he never wanted to come to my house to pick me up, so i usually ended up driving over to see him. That night I drove over and picked him up. My other friend Mi was with us. The concert was awesome, adn my friends did an awesome job. After it was over I drove him home. He asked me to walk him to teh door. When we got there, he hugged me like always...I loved his hugs, he hugged me like he never wanted to let go...and then when we locked eyes, he leaned in and kissed me. It was soft and gentle. It wasn't liek any other kiss I had ever had, and I suspect it won't be matched in my life. He smiled and then told me to drive safe. The next weekend was when all the drama happened and soon after he stopped talking to me.

I guess everything happens for a reason, and maybe life with him would have held me back, but I have to say, it would have been worth it. I don't know why, but I feel something for him that is too deep, too intense, and too unique to just be infatuation. I don't know if things with us would have worked out, had I not screwed up or had I been older. I loved him from the moment I met him, and probably always will. I have a big heart, and I have lots more love to give, but he will always have a little piece of me. i couldn't fix him. I couldn't love him enough to make up for him not loving me. I couldn't open him up. I got inside, I got close, but not close enough. I hope one day he can love...and feel.

I love this song :

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind -----me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed 'cuz you came around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cuz you channeled all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last dance

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You should've never come around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cuz you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

What a lovely blah day

The weather is about as gray and dreary as it comes. It's been raining since late last night. It's cold out, but not particularly windy. The rain slowed a bit earlier, so I went out to get the mail (nothing for me, as usual). Days like this make me just want to cuddle up under my covers and go back to bed. I tried to think earlier, and I can't think of one happy rainy-day memory. i'm not saying i don't have any, but for some reason these days make me feel like the dementors made Harry feel...like I'll never be happy or smile again. There really isn't anything to be depressed about, I just have this overwhelming sense of blah today. Thank goodness it's Wednesday...I only have one more day of school and then on Friday I get to go to an arena football game with my boys...John and Joey. Not that John, not the John that I'll be pining over the rest of my life...not him. John, who is married to Jen, who is pregnant, both of whom I met through Alison, who's Halloween party I went to and met Joey at. Can you say "run on sentence"? Well, I'm off to check teh laundry and scavange for food...I'll post later if I have anything worth saying. Toodles!

My Grandpa

Well, where to start? I guess I should start about 18 years back. When I was born, it was not under the best circumstances. My very devout Catholic Grandparents were less than pleased that their daughter was pregnant and un-married. She was in college at the time. Rather than dis-own her or be mad, they did their best to help her. When my father left when I was about a year old and Mom had nowhere to go, they took her in. They let her live with them. My Grandma would watch me while my Mom worked or went to class. They were there for her when she really needed someone. Throughout my life they have been there, in thick and thin they have always been there to help us. Every time we move, they come and help. When money is tight, they help. When Mom or I needs advice, they are there. My Grandpa in particular has always been there for me when I need him. I know that I can ask him any time for help or advice and that he'll be honest with me. He has always been the prominant male figure in my life, offering me stability that other men in my life were lacking. He's shown me what kind of man I want to marry. My Grandpa is one of the few men in my life that I kow i can trust and depend on. Lately though, my rock has been a little shaky. Now, don't get me wrong, he is still the same man, but the fantasy I've had since child-hood about him living forever and always being there has slowly dissolved away. In it's place is reality, cold and harsh. My Grandpa was diagnosed with cancer a little over a year ago. It was bad. He has lyphoma, which means the cancer is in his lyph system, and throughout his entire body. It all started when they found a lump in his neck. The biopsy came back positive for cancerous cells. So began the his battle against cancer. The multiple scans of his body showed tumors everywhere. The fist round of chemo went well. He lost all his hair and a lot of wheight, but was soon in remission. After only a few months we found out he had a relapse and the cancer was back with a vengence. The original chemo had been geared toward the fast growing cancer cells that were threatening hjis life, but had missed the slower growing cells. the fisrt chemo had been chemical based, but now the doctor would have to use radiation therapy. The treatment has gone well thus far. He and Gram came to visit a few weeks ago. He was tired, but looked better than I had expected. This whole situation has been hard for everyone. The mere idea that i could lose him scares the crap out of me. He has always been ther for me, and the the idea that he could just be gone is incomprehnsable. I can't imaginbe life without him. It has always been my hope that he will walk me down the isle and be there when I have his great-grandchildren. I want him to be able to see me succede in life. i want him to see that I am someone he can be proud of and have faith in. While I was visiting him a few months agao, we got a chance to talk. We talked about everything. He told me that he was really proud of me and the woman I was becoming. That meant the world to me. It was like he knew exactly what I needed to hear. I'm never going to be ready for him to go, but I know that if anyone will make it to heaven, he will. So, I pray he won't leave for a long time, but when God calls him home, I won't have any regrets.

Berry Long Weekend

I went over to my friends' apartment Thursday night and just hung out. We had a really good time just sitting around talking, which was nice for a change. Friday evening, they gave Joey and I a ride to my house. Joey would be spending the night here and going with us to visit the Berry College campus in the morning. We set him up a bed in the front room with Bob, Pirate Bob, and Not Bob (our cats). I watched a couple movies with him...one of which was Saw II, which I must say was even better than the first, and if you enjoy those horror/thriller movies...you'll love it. I went to bed late that night. In the morning I took a shower and dressed cute, because not only was I going to vi8sit a college, but then that night we were going out to dinner with a bunch of our friends to celebrate our friend Greg's birthday. Joey and I jumped in the back seat of the van...neither of us was too happy about being awake at 7 in the morning. Jake sat in the middle row and Mom and JJ sat up front. Josh had gone to a friend's house for the weekend, mainly to escape having to visit a college. Jacob talked non-stop for a good 20 minutes, finally Mom turned around and asked him to be quiet. Joey and I both fell asleep in the back seat. The drive took about an hour and a half, maybe more. We woke up at a gas station about 10 minutes from campus. We all got bottled drinks to take with. I speedily put on my makeup. The campus was amazing. The main building, the Ford building I believe, looked like a castle. It was gorgous. The walls were made of different shades of beige ston and there were stained glass windows and big oak doors. We all agreed that it looks a great deal like Hogwarts. We were running a bit late and stood in the back for the first few speeches. Several old people droned on about how amazing the school was...etc. Well, as they talked I brushed the little bits of wall that had crumbled off from my jacket. Later the parents went to one seminar and the students went to another. The one we had to go to was a good 10 minute walk from where we were. It was rainy and about 40 degrees...oh and me being the brilliant blonde that i am, I wore flip flops. Needless to say, after the 10 minute walk, I couldn't feel my toes. Right as we reached the building, a shuttle bus passed us, full of students...great. So Joey and I meander in and get two seats up in the second row. I was pretty excited because I would get to talk to actual students and see what they thought of the school. Wel, in shjort...it's a dry campus and they go hiking for fun. I guess we'll see, but it's not really my first choice. they do have a first-rate vet school though. It also costs 25, 000 a year to go there as opposed to 14, 000 to go to UGA. We left after lunch, if you could call it lunch. We had dry chicken alfredo, salad, rolls, and brownies. The brownies were really good. We stopped at an Arby's to get lunch, but they didn't have jalepeno popper, which happen to be the whole reason I go there...butt heads. Then we went to see one of Mom and JJ's friend's who lives near the campus. Then, we went to a farm store, and then another farm store, and finally we made it home. Finally we headed home. We got home around like 5 or so. Later Mom drove Joey and I over to our friend Ali's house. I spent the rest of the weekend there and finally made it home Monday morning. I had a really fun long weekend, but geez...I'm freakin tired.

Well, everything is good as of late. I got a job at Home Depot...so yes, i finally ahve a job. School is good...Joey is goood...etc...

Yay for Thursday

Well, it's Thursday, for me, the end of another week. I only have about 4 weeks of school left now...Thank God! Trig is going better than expected and i have an A rather than an F...nice change if I do say so myself. Grandma and Grandpa are coming into town tomarrow. They are only staying for a day or so, but I'm really looking forward to their visit. Grandpa has been doing chemo again, and I'm a but anxious to see what effect this round has had on him. My uncle Dave is in trouble again, over some false charge. The woman he has been with for a few years now accused him of domestic violence, so now he has a court date in about two weeks. Please say a prayer for my him. He's always been just a little lost, but he's a really good guy. Speaking of good guys, Joey has been particularly dedicated as of late. He's been calling every day, sometimes more than once. Today he actually came to see me. He read my blog from awhile ago and was less than pleased with some of the things that i had to say, but we talked it over. I explained that my blog is for venting...and more than once I have regreted what I have said while doing so. I'm optamistic about the future with him, and have given up on trying to predict it. Well...I'm off to clean the house for the grandparents. Have a good weekend and be safe - Jerra

Happy Tuesday!!!

Hello ya'll...I know it's been a few days, but I've been busy. School is going really good. I'm all sorts of pumped...my average in the class is actually a 91%...an A!!! I got a 95% on the quiz I took Thursday that I was positive I bombed...SWEET!! Then, today we took our chapter test and I'm pretty sure that went really well too. So, in short I just have to reitterate the fact that it was the teacher and not just me being incompetant.

In other news, Melissa (Joey's sister) and her fiance Ben broke up some time last week. This is really sad and came as quite a surprise considering they always looked so happy together. I guess it just goes to show that you can't judge a book by it's cover.

Joey has graduated from bad boyfriend to good boyfriend again. This past weekend he asked me if we could be exclusive again. Nothing has really changed, as far as his situation that is, but I was glad that he did it. Things are good now...we're back to the way we were before all the drama started. i think he's happy too.

My grandparents may be coming to visit this weekend, which is all sorts of cool. That means that they will get to meet Joey. I'm really looking forward to seeing them.

Hmmm...Oh...Ian is coming to see us some time in...umm...may I think. So...we'll actually meet Ian the Aussie.

well, that's about all for now...no reall pieces of wisdom for the time being.

Laters...Jerra

Surrounded

surrounded

they swarm about her
engulf her
drag her under

so many
all around
yet

she is alone
all alone
deep down
she knows

she always has been
trivial conections
fabricated chemistry

none mattered
the real
it hurts

the light is blinding
truth
realization burns

her heart aches
mention of his name
stabs

arms flailing
legs kicking
lungs full

lies bubble
spill in
fall out

the surface
so
so
far away

a hand breaks
the surface
parts

reach
deeper
the bottom

is not so far

from

the top

I collect broken people

I realized today...I collect broken people. I surround myself with others like myself, but broken. I choose people with bits missing...not physically, but spiritually or is it mentally. I suppose everyone is broken to some extent. My problem is that I try to fix them. I accept them for who they are, but deep down I think I can fix them, I can love them enough to heal their hurt. I guess it's a way of avoiding my own...I'm so busy fixing other people that i don't hurt so bad. One night I was talking to Joey about Jonathan. I'm not sure how it came up. I started telling him everything about what had happened with Jonathan. As I relayed the whole sordid tale...I started to feel sad. I had really loved him, but it didn't matter. I guess that my age was a big factor. I had successfully pushed thoughts of Jonathan out of my mind until last week. Melvin told me that he isn't doing good...i guess he's in a lot of debt. So there I went, thinking about him again. All those old wounds opened up. It pisses me off...why can't I just get over him. What did he do that was so damn wonderful? Nothing! Still, I will probably always love him, nad there is one of my missing pieces...one that makes me broken. He will always have a piece of my heart. Oh well, that is the way of thing...I've come to learn. Some day I will look back on all this and be glad for the way things happened. I can;t tell you the number of times that I prayed for God to bring Jonathan back to me...to give me one more chance. The other day I heard a country song "Thank God for unanswered prayers"...

Help!

Two quick questions:
1. how do I make it so my profile can be viewed
2. how to I put a picture on my profile...like the one thts next to comments

Keep out or shut up

Recently someone has been reading my blog as well as that of my Mom and my Stepdad, this someone is unwelcome. He was never invited. This man happens to be unwelcome because he left us. It is not my place to criticize, or comment, unless you involve me. He has, he fealt the need to criticize mom and her parenting. Well, this is what he asked for.

First off, some day I will be telling your son about what kind of man you really are. I may have been young, but I remember the way you treated my mom and the way you treated my brother and I. I remember when mom had to work and you would lock us in our room rather than "deal"with us. I'm sure that locking a 12 year old girl and her 8 year old brother in thier room for hours at a time is a great way to raise children. I bet that it's a great idea to whip your children with a belt for the slightest misbehavior, and it won't teach them a lesson unless there are marks. I'm sure that coming home drunk, high, and loud is the best way to lead your children by example. I know that you are most definitly an expert in parenting. I know you NEVER lied to anyone. i'm sure you owned that bar...you weren't just a bartender there. I'm sure you NEVER slept with a woman other than your wife. Frankly, you are trash. You have always been trash. You will always be trash. How dare you even think for a second that you have the right to criticize my mom or JJ...at least they stuck around. She wanted something better for us than a man like you. Keep in mind that you left her 9 months pregnant. She tried to make things work, but you were never a man. When there was trouble...say a tornado...you were nowhere to be seen...you had to take care of number one...yourself. You are a coward and a waste of life. We have never talked badly about you in front of your son, and I know that Mom would never, but when he is older I will make suer that he knows the truth.

You best be careful. She may be considerate and appologize, but I will not. I will not allow you to talk to her or my brother with anything but respect. The next time you decide that you are going to get up on a high horse and preech...make sure that you aren't a lard-assed hypocrite.

***Now, to everyone else...I am sorry...this is a rant, and I know that it seems harsh, but you don't mess with my family. I've had just about enough of that in the last year.******

*Note*

I added the links of people I read on a regualr basis >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I did so for three reasons:
1. I finally figured out how to do it.
2. They are cool people and they should be given props for being cool, and recognized by the masses.
3. It makes it a whole lot easier to get to their blogs for me.

If I missed anyone or you stop by on a regular...let me know and I'll add you to the cool people list ok.

Back in the saddle again

I know...yet again it has been awhile since I last graced you with my presence. I have in fact been busy. Life has just not stopped. I keep waiting to take a breath, to be able to just step back, but if I'm not sleeping then there is work to be done. The house seems to just stay messy. Despite my efforts, things just don't stay clean...there is always laundry to do, dishes to wash, floors to sweem, animals to feed, rooms to clean, clothes to fold...you get the idea. Since I'm home most of the day, I try to get as much done as possible to help mom out...granted most nights I stay up late and then don't roll out of bed until late afternoon, but as soon as I get up, I get to work. Things at the house have been a bit tense. Mom is sick and stressed, Justin is looking for a job and has yet to have any luck, Josh is sick and in trouble again, and Jacob...well, he's Jacob. I've been gone nearly every weekend, taking my down-time. Most weekends I spend with melissa, seeing as Joey is now too busy for me.

Yeah, things with Joey are slowly coming to an end...our lives are going in different places. I know this, and I think he knows this, but neither of us is quite ready to let go. I guess I'm just trying to learn as much as possible from this. So, that's all I want to say about that.

School is good. That trig class that I had an F in, I'm now passing with an A. I'm very sorry to say that it was in fact the teacher's fault. I would take some personal responsibility, except I did everything in my power to pass tha5t class. It was the stupid teacher. oh well, i'm sure there was a reason for all this.

Mom is sick. Josh is sick. My thraot hurts...thanks guys.

Jacob in the car today "Mom, when I grow up I'm going to become a priestess and bless crap...then it would be holy crap." I love that kid.

Ya know, i guess it's bad that I've become so cynical in that last year or so. i have this notion that all relationships are doomed to fail...well all of mine at least. i know I'm young and I'll "meet the right guy some day", but when is someday, and why can't it be now. I don't understand why I have to do all this dating crap. It sucks.

Cat is wonderful. The other night he actually managed to make me feel pretty...a hefty task. He told me that I am beautiful and smart and amazing and I don't need to change at all or lose any weight. That was really nice to hear. Of course he did throw in that a pair of, umm...larger boobs wouldn't hurt. Then of course all three men at the table chimed in and said that I'd be dangerous then because I'd really be like perfect. I'm pretty sure I was all sorts of blushing. I love those guys.

I saw a truck that had nuts today. They were red and ginormous.

I want a tattoo, well I want three tattos that I drew myself and they are really neat. I need a job so i can get them.

I really need a job.

Melvin said that Cat and I would make an interesting couple...maybe he's right. We've had this constant thing between us. We both flirt, but neither of us is willing to make the first move. Oh well...i guess good things come to those who wait.

I'm not tired, but i think if I keep typing I'll say something stupid or that requires explination.

Night ya'll...sweet dreams, sleep tight.