Jonathan again

I went out with Melvin last night. We went galavanting around town for a bit. We went to Wal-Mart to look at treadmills with 0ur friend Kim then to the mall to see a movie. We saw "Date Movie". I must say it was freakin hilarious, but really not a "Date" movie. Theres a scene where thsi chick is getting lypo and the nasty fat is draining into a large vat that says mayonaise...gag. It is of course gered toward a younger audiance and vulgar humor is the basis of it's comedy, but it was definitly worth seeing.

Now, to the point of this particualr post. I talked with Melvin about Jonathan last night. Melvin is at this point my best friend here. he may not be what my parents picture as an ideal friend, but he is a good friend to me. In talking about Jonathan, which I can only do for a short period of time before it starts to hurt, I realized that he is My "one that got away". I will probably always love him. I'm not really sure why, but I know that I certainly haven't gotten over him yet...nearly a year later. I'm not saying i haven't moved on, because I have. I am very happy with Joey, which isn't something I say lightly. I"m not sure you ever really "get over" someone you love. I can't just stop loving him...I can't just stop caring. I was thinking last night about our first kiss. We'd been dating for close to a month and he'd never kissed me. I was beginning to worry. That particular night we had gone to a concert, some friends of mine who aer in a local band were playing. He wasn't going to come, but then at the last minute said he would. It was always hard to spend time with im, he never wanted to come to my house to pick me up, so i usually ended up driving over to see him. That night I drove over and picked him up. My other friend Mi was with us. The concert was awesome, adn my friends did an awesome job. After it was over I drove him home. He asked me to walk him to teh door. When we got there, he hugged me like always...I loved his hugs, he hugged me like he never wanted to let go...and then when we locked eyes, he leaned in and kissed me. It was soft and gentle. It wasn't liek any other kiss I had ever had, and I suspect it won't be matched in my life. He smiled and then told me to drive safe. The next weekend was when all the drama happened and soon after he stopped talking to me.

I guess everything happens for a reason, and maybe life with him would have held me back, but I have to say, it would have been worth it. I don't know why, but I feel something for him that is too deep, too intense, and too unique to just be infatuation. I don't know if things with us would have worked out, had I not screwed up or had I been older. I loved him from the moment I met him, and probably always will. I have a big heart, and I have lots more love to give, but he will always have a little piece of me. i couldn't fix him. I couldn't love him enough to make up for him not loving me. I couldn't open him up. I got inside, I got close, but not close enough. I hope one day he can love...and feel.

I love this song :

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind -----me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed 'cuz you came around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cuz you channeled all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last dance

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You should've never come around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cuz you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel