Growin Up Jerrahco Style

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a suspicious or paranoid person. I love life and everything about it.
until recently, I never had any reason to be scared of much of anything. My life was at best semi-dramatic. i had
normal teenage issues...I'm too fat, my boobs won't grow, I like him he doesn't know I exist, normal stuff. I wasnot
unique or any different than any other 17 year old highschool senior. Yes, I'd been through alot and was very
mature, but not really different. I was still just a carefree and nieve teen. The thought never occured to me to lock the
doors at night, or look over my shoulder, or that someone could dislike me enough to want me dead. Well, all that
changed pretty quick. And in two minthes time I've done more growing up and maturing than I ever thought
possible. See, I always thought that growing up meant you lost your spark. I thought you lost your love for life and
your sense of wonder and curiosity. I thought it meant that you face reality and see that the world is a cold cruel
place and you're just another face in the crowd. I was wrong. growing up means you see the world for what it is,
with all it's injustice, pain, terror, and evil. You see other people for who they are. You see that dreams may very well
never become reality. You see that life is pain but life is always joy. You see that one moment of joy can make up for
years of hurt. You see that as long as you have hope and the will to go on, change things, and make a good life, that
you can. You see that you can get those things you dreamed of. You can grab that start that seemed out of reach as a
child. For me, it was all those things and more, and I didn't realize what was happening. I didn't know why I
suddenly had hope and faith, where before there were doubt and despair. I didn't know until I had reason to feel
alive, reason to open up...that there is a life after tradgedy, and that you will remember the bad forever, but it does not
make you who you are. A person's worth is determined not by what happened to them, but by what they did to get
through it. Hope, no matter how foolish, will always bring you back to a path of joy and safety. That is what growing
up is to me.

Unforseen Blessings

Things really do all work together for good. I have always been told that, and until now, never had any solid evidance. Moving here was the last thing on Earth that I would ever to do. I would never have want wanted to leave my school, friends, family...my life. I was so well-established back home, and fairly popular if I do say so myself. I have friends there that love and care for me, and who miss me terribly. The thing is, when it comes down to it, we had no choice but to move here. It was best for the family, so I did it, no questions asked (but a lot of tears). At first, I was scared. I was scared for my family and for myself. When we got here, I was mad. I tried to place blame where none was due. The only one to blame was far away now. I refused to accept that things were the way they were and there was nothing I could do. then, I was depressed. For weeks I was depressed and sad. It hit me hard, the reality of what had happened. I finally realized that I couldn't do anything, that I was completely helpless in it all. I stopped praying (for those of you who don't know, my faith is the most important thing in my life...Also, there is a line in the bible about those who lead others astray, Dan, maybe you should read that, give you a little heads up before you get there). Obviously I still have some anger, I haven't had a chance for closure yet. You know in the movies, things are always better after the "hero" confronts the villian. Anyways, thats not the point. I gave up completely, and jsut died inside. I went through the motions of living without feeling alive. I did what I loved, and didn't enjoy it. i couldn't see all the blessings surrounding me on all sides. Now, after weeks and weeks, I can see the light. I can see how this is all working out for good. I have so many fantastic oppertunities and gifts that until now, were unseen. I have my family, all alive and doing well. My brothers are doing good in school, and even joined up a basketball team. my mom has a new job, and a new life, where no one knows about that man. She, we get to start over. She has found a man who loves and adores her. He is probably the man she has always been looking for. He has gotten a family, that until recently, was unimaginalble for him. he has gotten a new life, with kids that love him and want to be around him ALL THE TIME. His house, is now a home, not only for him, but for me and my family. He now has not one, but two girls with that maternal instinct, worrying about him ALL THE TIME. ME, what has this brought me. A chance to pursue a dream, really hot southern boys from Savanah...haha, just kidding. I get to go to beauty school, something I have always wanted to do. I get to finally pass Algebra II, which is a big deal. I get to learn new stuff, and a new perspective. I get another set of grandparent to fawn all over me. I get a friend, who knows where I'm coming from, and how to put me at ease. Most of all, I get back what I once had. Joy. Joy in every day, for no reason but that it is. Thank God for all these fantastic and wonderful things.

How Do You Spell Thorn

How long can a heart mourn,
How long can it bear a thorn,
The gohst of one prevents another,
They can never love eachother,
Dream a dream and he is there,
You wake up he's nowhere,
You are quite a cantradiction,
All is caused by self infliction.

A girl should be kissed often and by someone who knows how too.
-Gone With The Wind

You know what hurts worse than being insulted by someone you love? Being ignored by them. Being told that you aren't valuable enough to them to merit that person's attention. Sometimes in life, we take risks, knowing that they could end up changing or ruining a realationship all together. We take them, because worse than a bad outcome, is never knowing. At least after you have told them your feelings, or revealed private information, then you know what they are thinking, and you no longer have to go through the agony of no knowing. But, what if they don't respond? What if rather than accepting or rejecting you, they ignore you all together. Then, they are not the person you thought they were. They are not the person who you thought you loved. They are not worth any more of your wasted time, energy, or emotion.

Random Tidbits Of The Day

When we were living with the Ogre, things were always very tense. I can't remember a time when we were all happy in that house. I suppose that could be because when the end of a situation is negative, all you remember from it is the negative. He never loved us. He did, however, love the idea of us. His idea of a family was people to take care of him, and not someone for him to take care of. If something interfered with his schedule, it didn't happen. There was no compromise. I remember on incident, and I'm blurry on the detailes, but this was before we knew he had been lying, and when staying with him lokked like a good thing. He and mom had been arguing, Mom was upstairs crying or something. I remember kneeling down in front of him, and bebgging him to just be our Dad, stroking his ego...telling him he was a great man, and we loved him and wanted him to be a part of our family...at the time it was all true. He stared straight past me and my sobbing, to watch the Nascar highlights. he never even said anything. Taht was the point where i knew we were in trouble. I had poured my heart out, and all he could do was sit there...ignoring me. I have not been that sincere since. i hold back, becaus eof that expieriance. That makes me sad.

The boys and I never hugged him. It always felt odd...very forced. He would get this creepy voice and ask for a hug. We got to where we didn't want any physical contact with him at all. Now, with JJ, things are very different. He is loving, and every day I see the boys hanging all over him. They adore him. he is Joshuas hero...movies...comics..he's in heaven. Jacob too has told people that JJ is the greatest man ever. I see the parts of people I love all encombant in him. I see Jacob's gentle demenor and love for animals, Joshua's immense knowledge of random facts and movies, Mom's gentle glow of shear delight just because her family is near, Grandpa's wisdom and understanding, Gram's need to take care of us and give us whatever she can, and I see myself in him. Many traits overlap...and he is himself and all I love at the same time. I see none of that man in him, and don't expect to. The Ogre would never tuck me in, or play with the boys, or just give of himself and ask nothing in return. He is not that man, and I thank God for it.

Butt Heat : The Bane Of My Existance

You know when you sit down in a chair (like in a movie theater or some other public place), and the seat is still warm from the last person who sat there? That is butt heat, the bane of my existance. Butt heat is the worst thing ever because you can't see it. It's not like someone spit and you can say "Oh, gross, I don't wanna sit in that." You never know when you are going to encounter butt heat. Now, when it's someone you know who's butt heat you sit in, it's not so bad (unless the butt heat was caused by a release of methane). When it's a complete stranger who you are practicaly rubbing butts with, thats a whole 'nother story.

My idea for preventing that terrible realization that you have just sat in a complete stranger's butt heat is this; you know those mood ring things, well, every chair in a public place should have those. People would only sit in the seats that were black and butt heat-free. Then, you would never have to be afraid of butt contamination

PS... I got to play with a "Skip It" today, and it kicked butt

Old Wounds

I never used to be afraid of being home alone, of having windows that don't lock, of letting someone be a part of my life, or of someone wanting to kill me. I never had reason to lock my doors the minute I get inside, sleep with a knife next to my bed, prop a chair against my door so it can't be opened from the outside, to write down plate numbers of cars I've seen more than twice, and I never had reason to be afraid. When we moved, I thought I would feel safe. I thought that living with someone who could protect us would help me sleep better. I thought that the nightmares would stop, that things would go back to normal, and I wouldn't be afarid anymore. Well, things have gotten better. I was sleeping better, not waking up every couple hours becuase i thought he was in our house, not jumping at every sound I heard at night, and the nightmares ha dstopped completely. I was starting my life again. I've been going to school and doing what I love in Beauty School. I've been trying to get back to normal. Remembering how to be happy, just because the sun is shining. remembering the joy of singing in the shower and playing in the leaves. Then, when all traces of that horrid man had left my thoughts, and I was happy again, he pushed his way back in. He invaded my life, as if he didn't want me to forget all the evil he had done and all the pain he had inflicted on me and my family. He called me...the bastard called my cell phone, and left a message about how he "desperatly" needed to talk to my mom, and ended his message for mom with "love you honey". How dare you...how dare you ruin my life, force me to leave all I love, hurt my mom and my brothers, and take away my ability to just be a kid, and then be so crazy that you think we would ever even consider talking to you again. You should just be thanbking your lucky stars that you are still breathing after what you did, or maybe not, because judgment day for you will bring all you deserve. I will be content in knowing that you can't hurt us anymore, and that in a year, we will be happy and have forgotten you completely, and you will still be miserable.

you don't realize what someone has done to you emotionally until much later. the scars they leave are much deeper and hurt a lot more when you trust someone. I never realized that the reason I have so much trouble accepting guidance from a man is because of the Ogre. That little things JJ does annoy or bother me because he did them. I know he is not the Ogre, but I can't accept it yet. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for him to turn in to the monster that haunts my dreams, for him to yell at me for singing or listening to music, for him and mom to start arguing every night about how bad we kids are and how we need dicipline. I feel safe with him, and I know he would never hurt us on purpose, but that fear resides still in the back of my mind, that he too could be lying, and he too could hurt us.

I hate being afraid. I hate not knowing where my enemy is. It's like most people and a fear of the dark, or swimming in the ocean. It's not what you can see, it's what you can't. it's the monster that could be under your bed, or the shark that could be right beneath you, waiting to kill you. For me, it's the man, the man who could be wathching, waiting for his chance to hurt us more. The man who could be here...but we don't know. A wise woman once said to me, "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer". I know now that knowing what evil you mjust face is much easier than waiting for it to find you.