Random Tidbits Of The Day

When we were living with the Ogre, things were always very tense. I can't remember a time when we were all happy in that house. I suppose that could be because when the end of a situation is negative, all you remember from it is the negative. He never loved us. He did, however, love the idea of us. His idea of a family was people to take care of him, and not someone for him to take care of. If something interfered with his schedule, it didn't happen. There was no compromise. I remember on incident, and I'm blurry on the detailes, but this was before we knew he had been lying, and when staying with him lokked like a good thing. He and mom had been arguing, Mom was upstairs crying or something. I remember kneeling down in front of him, and bebgging him to just be our Dad, stroking his ego...telling him he was a great man, and we loved him and wanted him to be a part of our family...at the time it was all true. He stared straight past me and my sobbing, to watch the Nascar highlights. he never even said anything. Taht was the point where i knew we were in trouble. I had poured my heart out, and all he could do was sit there...ignoring me. I have not been that sincere since. i hold back, becaus eof that expieriance. That makes me sad.

The boys and I never hugged him. It always felt odd...very forced. He would get this creepy voice and ask for a hug. We got to where we didn't want any physical contact with him at all. Now, with JJ, things are very different. He is loving, and every day I see the boys hanging all over him. They adore him. he is Joshuas hero...movies...comics..he's in heaven. Jacob too has told people that JJ is the greatest man ever. I see the parts of people I love all encombant in him. I see Jacob's gentle demenor and love for animals, Joshua's immense knowledge of random facts and movies, Mom's gentle glow of shear delight just because her family is near, Grandpa's wisdom and understanding, Gram's need to take care of us and give us whatever she can, and I see myself in him. Many traits overlap...and he is himself and all I love at the same time. I see none of that man in him, and don't expect to. The Ogre would never tuck me in, or play with the boys, or just give of himself and ask nothing in return. He is not that man, and I thank God for it.