Old Wounds

I never used to be afraid of being home alone, of having windows that don't lock, of letting someone be a part of my life, or of someone wanting to kill me. I never had reason to lock my doors the minute I get inside, sleep with a knife next to my bed, prop a chair against my door so it can't be opened from the outside, to write down plate numbers of cars I've seen more than twice, and I never had reason to be afraid. When we moved, I thought I would feel safe. I thought that living with someone who could protect us would help me sleep better. I thought that the nightmares would stop, that things would go back to normal, and I wouldn't be afarid anymore. Well, things have gotten better. I was sleeping better, not waking up every couple hours becuase i thought he was in our house, not jumping at every sound I heard at night, and the nightmares ha dstopped completely. I was starting my life again. I've been going to school and doing what I love in Beauty School. I've been trying to get back to normal. Remembering how to be happy, just because the sun is shining. remembering the joy of singing in the shower and playing in the leaves. Then, when all traces of that horrid man had left my thoughts, and I was happy again, he pushed his way back in. He invaded my life, as if he didn't want me to forget all the evil he had done and all the pain he had inflicted on me and my family. He called me...the bastard called my cell phone, and left a message about how he "desperatly" needed to talk to my mom, and ended his message for mom with "love you honey". How dare you...how dare you ruin my life, force me to leave all I love, hurt my mom and my brothers, and take away my ability to just be a kid, and then be so crazy that you think we would ever even consider talking to you again. You should just be thanbking your lucky stars that you are still breathing after what you did, or maybe not, because judgment day for you will bring all you deserve. I will be content in knowing that you can't hurt us anymore, and that in a year, we will be happy and have forgotten you completely, and you will still be miserable.

you don't realize what someone has done to you emotionally until much later. the scars they leave are much deeper and hurt a lot more when you trust someone. I never realized that the reason I have so much trouble accepting guidance from a man is because of the Ogre. That little things JJ does annoy or bother me because he did them. I know he is not the Ogre, but I can't accept it yet. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for him to turn in to the monster that haunts my dreams, for him to yell at me for singing or listening to music, for him and mom to start arguing every night about how bad we kids are and how we need dicipline. I feel safe with him, and I know he would never hurt us on purpose, but that fear resides still in the back of my mind, that he too could be lying, and he too could hurt us.

I hate being afraid. I hate not knowing where my enemy is. It's like most people and a fear of the dark, or swimming in the ocean. It's not what you can see, it's what you can't. it's the monster that could be under your bed, or the shark that could be right beneath you, waiting to kill you. For me, it's the man, the man who could be wathching, waiting for his chance to hurt us more. The man who could be here...but we don't know. A wise woman once said to me, "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer". I know now that knowing what evil you mjust face is much easier than waiting for it to find you.