Wisdom Beyond His Years

Have you ever looked at your life from the outside. have you ever taken a step back, and gone "Holy shit...how did that happen...what the...wow". Well, very recently, all that has happened finally hit home. It's one thing to talk about something, but another to accept it and move on. i have yet to reach the move on part. It's very hard for me to not be in control of my own life, or at least to only have very limited choices as to what can do . So, having to leave everything i had worked so hard for, was pretty difficult. Now, after weeks and weeks of thinking about it, I have found a way to sum up what I feel. The funny thing is, I could have written this, but it was not me who wrote my thoughts, it was a very strong, and very wise young man.

Diminished
disappeared
vanquished

all of the things
that i have worked so hard to achieve
gone

my mind infused
infused with feelings
feelings that confuse and intimidate me
feelings that i have no intent of feeling
feelings that i hate

all of these feeling were induced
induced by a man
an evil man
the same man that brought me in
has taken me out

i have loved and lost
sinned and been forgiven
hated and been hated
but most importantly, matured

after being taken away i can only ask
i can only pray
for one thing

hope

a feeling that has reduced
as a result of current events
i feel lost and alone
nobody can free me from my prison
nobody but me
i hold the key

the key is a feeling
a complex feeling
one that i must obtain

the key...


is hope

So, now all we can do is addapt. We can't look for our friends here, because they aren't here. We can't try to recreate wht we had, but we must build our lives anew. All we can do is live each day to the fullest, and pray that we do whats right.

Insanity

The definition of insanity is something to the effect of "performing the same action numerouse times and expecting a different result". We all do things that could be categorized as insane. I am one of those people who gives others every chance i possibly can, I look for the good in people, but aknowledge the bad. I am also a fairly good judge of character, and can tell people things about themselves that they dont, or won't know. I am also terrible with guys. I always manage to relay to them just the message that scares them off. In reality, I seldom mean what they think, but by the time I realize what's happened, they're running far far away. I seem to always have this effect on guys. I am a fairly intense person. I am also very passionate about my friends. if you are one of my friends I love you for who you are and would do anything for you. When a girl recives this passionate friendshiup, it strengthens the relationship to that of a sisterhood instead of a friendship. When a guy recieves it, it is misconstrewed as a romantic passion (crush). This usually results in them being scared half to death that some girl loves them (God forbid) and they have this knee-jerk reaction that says "Run...if you want to have fun ever again...RUN...don't let her tie you down..." This usually means they stop calling, writing, or even looking at you. this stems from a persons self-centered nature. We are all self-centered and think that we are desired by all...and of course they would be lucky to have us. Now, to the point of insanity. I have this friend. He's older by about four years. We worked together last summer. He is one of my most valued friends. He's so gentle and kind around me. He is also very good at just listening when I have a problem. He is a fantastic guy. Do I like him...yes. Would I consider dating him...yes. Would I jepordize our friendship...no. There is our relationship...we both like eachother, as more than friends, but both are more concerned with our friendship. I love him, and want him to be happy. Recently he has become very unreachable, weather by his own doing or by other means I don't know. Every day i send him an IM, usually something to the effect of "Hey, hope you had a good day. Talk to you soon" Nothing too obtrusive. Every day he fails to even aknowledge me. My friend asked me awhile ago, "Why do you even bother, he's not going to answer." and I said " I bother because he is my friend and when he finally realizes what I'm all about, I want to be there. i always have hope that maybe he'll answer. The day I lose hope is the day I become a bad friend." We both then proceeded to laugh about how cheezy and movie-line-like that was. Well, he did finally respond. I told him about having to move because of my crazed step-dad and how I was far away now ( we had formerly lived in the same town.) You know what he said " I'm really going to miss you. When will you be coming back?? Can I see you??" Now, hows that for insanity, he finally wants to be with me, and I'm thousands of miles away. OW FREAKIN OW!

Thank God

You know I have learned from expieriance that things can ALWAYS get worse. Even when you think you are at the bottom and can't fall any lower, you find that someone has dug a whole under your feet and you fall again. So, I know to appreiciate when things don't get worse. I am so thankful that things are getting better. Our little faux family is nice. There is some stability in knowing there is going to be someone waiting for you when you get home. Thing before we moved were moving so fast we hardly spoke, and when we did it was depressing. My mom wasn't happy, and worring about someone killing you tends to stress a person out. Despite her attempts to appear unshaken by the Ogre, I knew how scared she was of him. When we got here all that crap was lifted from us. We all began to sleep again, but not without scars from that horrible man. My brothers have woken up several nights screaming because they had a nightmare that the Ogre came to get us. How sad is that, a 9yr old and a 13yr old worrried about being killed. My Mom is much happier. She's herself again. This house feels like home and I gather that JJ feels the same. I know this isn't a permenant solution, but it's one I like. I like having JJ around. It's so funny because things here are just falling into place without much effort at all. I got into Beauty School. For those of you who don't know, I have a passion for all things beauty related. i love to make people beautiful and feel good about themselves. I'm still at that point where I don't know what I want to do when I grow up, but I would love to have a salon and my own line of cosmetics. I am one who belives that when you find something you love, you've gotta hold on to it with all your strength. This is something that I truely love, and would do all my life fro no pay at all. Other than needing new shoes because the ones I have are ripping the flesh from my ankles from all the walking, it has been a great expieriance thus far. So, the point being; when you feel the need to cry out "Eli, Eli Yabe Sabata me?" " My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" , remember that things can always get worse, and pick yourself up. God won't do everything for you, you have to wants things to improve.