Been a minute

I'm doing ok...lots to talk about. If you have my myspace hit that up...otherwise...I'll post on here eventually.

Dave Loner

My Grandpa is dying. He has had cancer for a few years now...two I think. He has lyphoma, which means that it is in his Lyph system. Your Lyph system is throughout your entire body. He has tumors in his neck, under his arms, in his abdomen, and slowly they are cutting off the function of his vital organs. He has been through treatment, after treatment, after treatment. He has had chemical chemo, radiation therapy, and numerous other treatments to try to get the tumors to shrink. He went into remission for about three monthes before last Christmas...or around then. Then, the tumors started growing again...worse than before. My Grandpa is only 56. He's teh healthiest person I know...other than the cancer. He takes his vitamins every day...excercises religiously, goes to church every Sunday. He has been there for me my enire life. He is the father that I never had...the one man that has never let me down. He is supposed to walk me down the isle on my wedding day. He is my hero. My grandparents have been together since they were like 20...he is her world and she his. They love one another and have been through more than I can imagine. I have only been with Cat a few months, and I can't even fathom life without him. I don't know what I would do if I was watching him slowly drift away after loving him for 30 years. I would lose my mind. I love my Grandpa. He is so brave and strong. Every time I talk to him, I ask him how he's doing. It doesn't matter how crappy he feels, or how much pain he's in, he always says "i'm doing great kiddo." He won't talk about himself. He always changes the subject...asks about how I am...how Cat is...anything but how sick he is. He told me the last time that I saw him...that he was always proud of me...that he loved me...and that he would watch over me from heaven. I broke down. I can't believe that this is happening. He gets worse every day. His kidneys are failing...all his organs are slowly giving out. He's dying. I can't stop it. He's in so much pain. The man who has always been so strong...used to play for the Colts...jock extrodinaire...is no more. Each time I see him, he looks older...more worn out than ever. His skin hangs on his small and weak frame. His muscles have long-since been reduced to nothing. He is skinny, pale, and his eyes are sunken in. I have to choke back tears when I see him, talk to him...or even think about him, I don't know what to say...or what to do. I'm losing him. My father and my Grandpa all at once. I wish he could just go...quickly, painlessly...and be with God. He is ready. If anyone is, he is. He has made his peace with God and faced all his demone...now...we wait. I know that people die, that everyone loses someone, that I should get over it...move on...face reality. I can't. He is too important to me. I may just keep adding to this...memories, feelings, thoughts...it makes it a little easier to know that I'm losing him. I never want to forget him...ever...so bear with me. Don't read it if you are going to be cynical. Let me make my peace with the end of a great man.

Hey

I realized that I haven't posted a blog in forever, and then when I finally do, its all sorts of depressing. I am doing really well. School is fine...moving along slowly. I was sick for a week and missed a lot of class, but it isn't a huge deal. I'm only taking about 12 hours, so I'm not too terribly bogged down. I am transferring to Kennessaw State at the end of this semester. I also found out that Erin may be coming too. She talked to her parents yesterday and they may let her transfer too. It would be nice to have her with me. Cat and I are good. I see him just about every weekend and we are nausiatingly cute when we're together, so I'm told. I think he's just about the greatest guy ever...and I guess he thinks I'm alright. He is so the "strong silent type" and just can't quite say how he feels, but I guess actions are louder than words. He does take good care of me, and I know that he's there for me when I need him...that counts for a lot. This weekend we are going to the Andretti Speed Lab with his friends, and a couple of mine maybe. It should be pretty fun. Then, Saturday is our day. We spend the whole day together...it is fantastic. I love getting to spend that much time with him. Sunday is the Superbowl! My Colts are playing....and this Indiana Girl is so going to be rooting for them! I love the Colts and I know that they are going to do well! So, this weekend should be great....and things in general are on an up-hill climb.

Pictures

Hewwo

I haven't written one of these in quite a while. I guess that I've just been too busy. I write on my myspace, but those are far less thought out or in depth. Everyone reads my Myspace, so things just can't always be as specific as I would like, and at times things can't be said at all. I like school, More now than before. I've been doing makeup for the play that is being put on right now. I'm exausted and can't wait until it's over and I can be human again, but its good. I go to work in the morning, followed by class with a 20 minute break to eat, then about two hours to study or sleep, then a shower, and off to the theater by 6...there until 11:30, whatever cast stuff after...usually well into the night, sleep, and then I try to function the next day. I drink a lot of coffee...and some energy drinks. I know my classes are suffering a little bit, but I'll have time to make everything ok before our final grade is taken. This kinda feels like home. I like it here, more than I thought I would. I have a great group of friends, and other than some drama from time-to-time, things are good. From every window there is a beautiful view. There are castles, fall leaves, deer, and amazing skies. It's breath-taking. I walk to work every morning. Its cold. That is about the only thing that I hate doing; walking in the cold. I am a writter at heart, but I have never been so tired of writting in my life...essay...after essay...after essay...you get the idea. I doubt they care about my oppinion as much as they want me to think that I'm being heard. This week is over, soon at least, and I couldn't be happier. My back and neck hurt now on top of everything else. Cat is coming to see me this weekend. I'm so glad. I miss him. I know I just saw him last week, but I still miss him. He misses me too...he told me so. I love when he says that...I guess it just makes everything worth while to know that he misses me too...and that I'm not in this alone. He told me once, in a moment of pure emotion, when I was doubting us..."You make me want to be a better man." I know its a movie line...I know its cheesey...I know that at that moment I knew I could never be this happy with anyone else. I melted like butter. He does that to me...reminds me that I'm human...and a girl. He holds doors for me and hold my hand. He takes care of me when I'm sick. I haven't ever been this happy, that I can remember. There are days when this all seems too hard...when I feel like I'm drowning and the chance of failing seems great...and I fear disappointing all those I love. Those days are hard, but then I talk to him. I see how hard he is working for his future, our future, and I can't justify not working just as hard. He puts things in perspective and me in my place. He treats me like a princess, but he doesn't let me get away with shit. He's my rock...he keeps me sane...he makes me smile...and he is the man that I love. Wow...I just said that. I do, its just I can't seem to tell him that. I think he knows, he must know. I don't think he needs me to tell him...maybe. Eventually. Well, I have to get back to work. I'll be back here eventually.

Update

I know it's been forever since I last posted. I've been busy, as one can imagine. School is tough...there is so much reading and homework. I like it though, I liek school...adn it feels good to be learning new stuff. Cat got back in town. I missed him a shit-ton...yeah that's the technical term ya know. He brought me a ring, with sterling and abalone shell, it's really pretty. We went to Nopi this weekend, it's a car show. We went together last year too. He didn't talk to me last year, so it was nice this year that he spent so much time with me. We had a lot of fun. Cat is a great guy...I got lucky with this one. I got a letter from my Dad today. I haven't really talked to the man in about 15 years. That's a long time. Cat makes me happy. Things are good.

The rain finally started. The storm that's been threatening to come all day is here. I love the rain...the sound, the smell, and the lightning. It's funny how something that can cause so much damage is so beautiful. I guess that's how things go in life. The things that are the most tempting and beautiful are the things that are the most dangerous. The past few days have been busy. I've seen tons of people...Melvin, Melissa, Sunshine, Mi, Danny, Cat, and some random Cop. Well, there were more people, but those are the only ones of note. I've been tired for about the last week. Things are good. CDat and i are good...we are spending a lot of time together before shit gets crazy. I met this guy Danny who is really cool. I stole another one of Mi's freinds...oops. I'm happy and having a lot og fun. School starts soon...Cat is leaving,.,,it makes me sad.

Bleh...

Just for the record...it is going to suck a lot when he goes away. I know it's only three weekls, but that is a long time. I told him I'll miss him...he said he'll miss me too. He said I'd be so busy while he's gone with school that he'll be surprised if I even remember his last name. That is such crap that it's ridiculous. I could never forget him. I'll miss him, shit I miss him already...when I just don't see him for a day. I'll manage.. i'm not going to fall apart, but I'll miss him.

Cat

The last couple of days have been good. I have been able to spend a lot of time with Cat, which I am thankful for. I know that when he is gone for two weeks I'll really be glad for our time together. Cat is a funny sort of guy. He's all sorts of tough and scary when you meet him. I was pretty sure that he just didn't give a shit about me or anyone else...well...not true...me...I know how much he cares about his friends and family. Cat and I were friends for about a year and a half, but friends only by the loosest of terms. He was busy with his shop and work on his new house and I was busy finishing school and chasing Jonathan around. It's funny how life works out. I remember days that all I wanted was one more chance with Jon...now...I wouldn't want it. I'm not sure why I fell so hard and so fast for him...Jon isn't really all that great, not to mention he treated me like shit. Now, that being said...this is the entry you've all been expecting...the one where I gush about Cat...I can't help it. He's an amazing guy. Most of the men in my life have been very negative influences. The funny thing is, for all the "issues" I have with men, very few of them are my own. My mamma has been through a lot in her years...she's be hurt a lot. From her, inadvertantly, I learned that men were not to be trusted and would run your heart through a blender if given the chance. I have always been very gaurded. Very few people actually know me. Everyone knows a little piece of me...whatever I let them see. Cat, he knows me...he sees right through me and reads me like a book. Anyone could really, but he actually cares enough to pay attention. At dinner the other night we were discussing relationships and life and love...normal topics for conversation. He noticed something silly I do when I get nervous...no one else ever has. It threw me off at first. He pays attention just like me...he knows what my looks mean, what my body language means, and can detect the subtle difference in the "I'm pissed" and the "I'm hurt" tone. I was genuinly impressed. I never thought that I was important enough, or would ever be, to someone for them to really pay attention. Then, as if letting me know he really cares wasn't enough. He told me how he feels about me. I'm not one of those girls who goes pouring my heart out to a guy. I very selfdom let him know how I feel. It was funny to be on the recieving side of a proffesoin of emotioon. He led into it with a question about a movie and then quoted the great Jack Nicholson..."You make me want to be a better man." he said..."That's how I feel about you." I had to use all I had not to start crying. He was so genuine. He had just trusted me with his heart....laid it on the table in front of me. I didn't know what to say or how to react...I hate moments like that...they remind me of my age...had I been older...i would have had something to say...something more than "wow". I would have told him that he is a graet guy, that I feel the same about him, that i want to be the best woman I can for him...that I care about him more than he'll ever know...that I would do anything in my power to help him...I would have said something eloquent that would convey the depth and intensity of my feelings for him. Nope...all I could say was wow. The conversation moved along. I did manage to tell him that it meant a lot to me that he said that...yup...I'm a dweeb. He does that to me...I lose my words with him...he renders me speechless. The next day at dinner he seemed upset. I asked him what was wrong and he brushed it off, saying he was fine. I knew there was something he wasn't telling me, so i waited. Eventually he told me. He was upset about something I had told him and Melvin...a long time ago. I never thought i would date either of the, and told the lie to fit in. It was about how many guys I had dated...It was a large number, larger than was even believable for anyone who knows me. He told me that he'd get over it, but thatIi was in "rare company" and he most definitly wasn't. I had to fess up, but I was sure he wouldn't believe me. It was good news that my numbers were in fact markedly lower than he had previously believed, but either way I was a lier. I was either lying then, or lying now. He handled it with amazing poise. He told me that he believed me, that whatever I said was the truth, he would take as such. He was very understanding and helped me not be so hard on myself. I'm not sure how I managed to get a guy like him, but I'm very lucky. He doesn't treat me like a child, despite my tendancy to act like one. He seems to really trust me, and I know I can trust him. We are very alike, but different enought to keep things interesting. We are both very deep..."You're very complicated little Loner." he told me. He makes me feel special and important...to him. Yes, I could live without him. Even if he goes away, I'll still be whole, I would just miss him...he compliments me...He doesn't complete me, but he fits. I'll still go to college and get married some day, no matter what happens with him...I have a plan for myself. I don't want Cat to go anywhere. I want him to stick around as long as is physically possible. Now, I doubt he'll read this, but he may. He may already know how great he is, but now you do too. I can't manage the L-word....but I can most definitly say that I have fallen for him...maybe I'm naive (I just looked at his Evian bottle to spell that), but I think maybe we all have someone who just fits...who complements us...when the timing is right, things just work, like a well oiled machine. I never would have looked for him, but thank God we bumped into eachother. I'm happy...I'm happy because of the person I am with him...myself.