Cat

The last couple of days have been good. I have been able to spend a lot of time with Cat, which I am thankful for. I know that when he is gone for two weeks I'll really be glad for our time together. Cat is a funny sort of guy. He's all sorts of tough and scary when you meet him. I was pretty sure that he just didn't give a shit about me or anyone else...well...not true...me...I know how much he cares about his friends and family. Cat and I were friends for about a year and a half, but friends only by the loosest of terms. He was busy with his shop and work on his new house and I was busy finishing school and chasing Jonathan around. It's funny how life works out. I remember days that all I wanted was one more chance with Jon...now...I wouldn't want it. I'm not sure why I fell so hard and so fast for him...Jon isn't really all that great, not to mention he treated me like shit. Now, that being said...this is the entry you've all been expecting...the one where I gush about Cat...I can't help it. He's an amazing guy. Most of the men in my life have been very negative influences. The funny thing is, for all the "issues" I have with men, very few of them are my own. My mamma has been through a lot in her years...she's be hurt a lot. From her, inadvertantly, I learned that men were not to be trusted and would run your heart through a blender if given the chance. I have always been very gaurded. Very few people actually know me. Everyone knows a little piece of me...whatever I let them see. Cat, he knows me...he sees right through me and reads me like a book. Anyone could really, but he actually cares enough to pay attention. At dinner the other night we were discussing relationships and life and love...normal topics for conversation. He noticed something silly I do when I get nervous...no one else ever has. It threw me off at first. He pays attention just like me...he knows what my looks mean, what my body language means, and can detect the subtle difference in the "I'm pissed" and the "I'm hurt" tone. I was genuinly impressed. I never thought that I was important enough, or would ever be, to someone for them to really pay attention. Then, as if letting me know he really cares wasn't enough. He told me how he feels about me. I'm not one of those girls who goes pouring my heart out to a guy. I very selfdom let him know how I feel. It was funny to be on the recieving side of a proffesoin of emotioon. He led into it with a question about a movie and then quoted the great Jack Nicholson..."You make me want to be a better man." he said..."That's how I feel about you." I had to use all I had not to start crying. He was so genuine. He had just trusted me with his heart....laid it on the table in front of me. I didn't know what to say or how to react...I hate moments like that...they remind me of my age...had I been older...i would have had something to say...something more than "wow". I would have told him that he is a graet guy, that I feel the same about him, that i want to be the best woman I can for him...that I care about him more than he'll ever know...that I would do anything in my power to help him...I would have said something eloquent that would convey the depth and intensity of my feelings for him. Nope...all I could say was wow. The conversation moved along. I did manage to tell him that it meant a lot to me that he said that...yup...I'm a dweeb. He does that to me...I lose my words with him...he renders me speechless. The next day at dinner he seemed upset. I asked him what was wrong and he brushed it off, saying he was fine. I knew there was something he wasn't telling me, so i waited. Eventually he told me. He was upset about something I had told him and Melvin...a long time ago. I never thought i would date either of the, and told the lie to fit in. It was about how many guys I had dated...It was a large number, larger than was even believable for anyone who knows me. He told me that he'd get over it, but thatIi was in "rare company" and he most definitly wasn't. I had to fess up, but I was sure he wouldn't believe me. It was good news that my numbers were in fact markedly lower than he had previously believed, but either way I was a lier. I was either lying then, or lying now. He handled it with amazing poise. He told me that he believed me, that whatever I said was the truth, he would take as such. He was very understanding and helped me not be so hard on myself. I'm not sure how I managed to get a guy like him, but I'm very lucky. He doesn't treat me like a child, despite my tendancy to act like one. He seems to really trust me, and I know I can trust him. We are very alike, but different enought to keep things interesting. We are both very deep..."You're very complicated little Loner." he told me. He makes me feel special and important...to him. Yes, I could live without him. Even if he goes away, I'll still be whole, I would just miss him...he compliments me...He doesn't complete me, but he fits. I'll still go to college and get married some day, no matter what happens with him...I have a plan for myself. I don't want Cat to go anywhere. I want him to stick around as long as is physically possible. Now, I doubt he'll read this, but he may. He may already know how great he is, but now you do too. I can't manage the L-word....but I can most definitly say that I have fallen for him...maybe I'm naive (I just looked at his Evian bottle to spell that), but I think maybe we all have someone who just fits...who complements us...when the timing is right, things just work, like a well oiled machine. I never would have looked for him, but thank God we bumped into eachother. I'm happy...I'm happy because of the person I am with him...myself.