Today

Things in my life have been kind of hectic lately. Things with the family have been tense, and mostly thanks to my actions. Things with Justin have been on a halt...no apologies on either side, no conversation from two intelligent people, and certainly no form of resolution. Yesterday, while looking at my blog, which I have neglected in the last couple weeks like so many other things, I found a post I had saved as a draft in February. I have a lot of issues with using this particular medium as a form of communication, therefore I was hesitant to post something that I knew would cause more tension in the house. I decided that maybe it would be the much-needed catalyst for the conversation between Justin and I that hasn't happened. It was not meant to "get a rise" out of anyone, or to hurt anyone's feelings. It was simply me posting something I had typed awhile back. Many of my issues with Justin stem from the fact that I am 17, and doing A LOT of growing up all at once. I really don't have any problems with him, but rather with my Mother. She seems so quick to jump into another situation in which we are dependant on a man, when only 6 months ago we were under the control of a monster who hit her and her children. Mom has put us through a lot in the last couple years, unintentionally of course, and I have had to do a lot of work to keep things together, weather she and Justin wish to recognize that or not. I have acted as a buffer on more than one occasion between Justin and other members of the family. This is not to say that without me the family would fall apart, I have found recently that they do just fine without me. I have spent a lot of the last few weeks with my friends. This has some to do with the thing with Justin, but very little. In all honesty, it is a fairly thoughtless action on my part. They represent acceptance and a lack of any real emotional stress. My friends have filled that gap which I have created with my family. They care about and take care of me, always telling me that I’m adopted now and I’m family. Most of all, I feel needed there, valued, trusted, and appreciated. I am going to be a legal adult in a few months. Any parenting that could have been done has been, by my Mom. I have a lot of major decisions on my hands and I need the trust and support of my family, as well as my friends. I understand that the family also maintains the role of critic, but I need more than just constructive criticism. I really need your trust, understanding, patience, and advice. There is really not a lot that either she or Justin can do at this point to change the adult that I become. Mom, despite what some people say and even what you may think, you've done a good job. I know that I haven't been around a lot lately, but I'm there when you need me. It is Joshua's turn to start pitching in some. When I was his age I was already babysitting little Josh on a regular. Not to say that I have fulfilled my babysitting duties, but it’s time to have someone to help lighten the load. I know that I need to help more around the house, but we ALL do...Jake, Josh, Justin, and me. We all need to do more to help you out.Ok, so to the point now. Justin, I know that you love me. I know that you worry about me, and you are caused pain by my actions. The thing is: they too are unintentional. I REALLY don't want to test you or try your boundaries. The things that are going on have very little to do with you, and you have a tendency to take them much too personally. I don’t want to cause more trouble between us. I want you to be part of our family. I want you to feel like we are friends and you can talk to me. The things that I have done that have angered you or hurt you have been in no way intentional. As much as you may not believe it, sometimes I just don't think about the fact that they are going to cause problems. Granted this in and of itself is a problem that I need to work on, but it is less of a problem than me intentionally hurting you. You have done a lot for my family, and for that I am grateful. Mom, Justin is a good man, and not that you need it, but you have my blessing as far as your marriage goes. I really just want you to be happy, and Justin makes you happy. Justin, at this point the best I can say is I'm sorry that I have hurt you or made you angry. I'm sorry that I have made you pay for all the other men in my life that have hurt me. I’m sorry that sometimes I'm selfish and bull-headed. I'm also sorry that neither you nor I have chosen to deal with this in an adult fashion. You and I are equally responsible for what has happened. You have work, and when you come home you re tired. I have school and a social life, and when I come home things have been unsettled for some time and can't be fixed right away. WE both need to work at this, because neither you nor I is going anywhere any time soon. I've said it already once, but if you would like to go to lunch or dinner sometime and talk, I am more than willing to go.... (A public place will prevent the whole stomping off and slamming the door thing...ha-ha and food will prevent the whole leaving thing...) Justin and Mom, I love you both very much, and although it doesn't always seem that way, I care about you both and would do anything for you. Justin, you're family now, and much of what you've been experiencing is just the drama of our family...ha-ha...get used to it.