Caleb

Since we got here, I have fealt very alone. Well, in all honesty, I've always fealt kinda alone. I'm close with my Momma, and everyone else in my family. I have three of the best friends in the world...and tons more too. I just have never really fealt like someone else was willing to share my life with me. Everyone was always busy with their own lives. Not that I have been neglected, but I have a tendency to draw people who need help...or a sholder to cry on. I love that I can be there for people. I love that poeple comer to me and telkl me about their problems, take my advice, and things get better. I mean, yeah, every once in awhile things go a little awry and end up a little mucked up, but in general, I am very good at helping people. Well, so all my life, I've been helping people...my mom, my brothers, my friends...people. I've been setting people up, making love connections, and introducing people. I had tried my hand at romance myself, and failed miserably. My one seriouse relationship (well as serious as it could be at 14), ended with me breaking a fantastic guy's heart. Well, so after him...not to mention I'm a fairly unattractive chubby chick...I just haven't really dated. Mom said I could date when I was 16, and when my 16th birthday came along, the swarm of guys I had been waiting for was nowhere to be found. There were some small romances, that if I would have been paying attention to, would have become more. I now have several really good guy friends. All of whom are chritian guys who I could date if itr ever got to that point. i have surrounded myself with people that are positive and spirit-filled (I think I put that in because I am proud of it).
Anyways, to continue. I have been going through what I think is depression since I got here. i tried my damndest to put on a happy face, and not make my Momma worry. I've tried so hard not to complain and to be strong. I've tried to do the things that need to be done and not ask questions or cause any friction. Despite a few small incidents, i've done a pretty good job. I'm doing good in school and getting an A in a class I failed before. I'm not drinkin, or doing drugs, or any of the other things teens do. I spend most friday nights at home with my family. I'm a pretty good kid. My only real vice is an occasional ciggarette when I'm too stressed to even think. Even the smoking isn't as bad, because my mom and I are hippies and I smoke nicotine-free herbal cigs. So, all in all, I'm not completely f-ed up despite what we've been through.
So I've been talking to guys online...I know, not safe...but I have. I have even met a few of them. They have all turned out to be nice, but not what I'm looking for. I really wanted a companion, someone I could just talk to. Well, so I met this guy online. There was something different about him from the start. He was charming, shy, and adorable. He was so worried about offending me or scaring me off. He was excruciatingly careful not to say anything even remotely rude, lude, or off-color. It was refreshing. I detected in him that southern charm I see in JJ. He was honest and...well, just different. Sometimes I just hafta go with my gut. We talked every nite for like 4 nites, and we were both ready to meet up. See, the problem with the whole online thing is, well, one, you don't know if the person in an ax-murderer, and two, most people will give you the best picture that had ever been taken of them...and they look like Fabio...then u meet them and their Elmer Fudd. So, I was a little anxious, but after not very much convincing, I decided to drive the hour to go see him. Now, you are all going, wait where are your parents?? Well they were outta town, so I was being a typical teen and doing something they would never approve of. I say they, because as my mom has said...JJ has earned the title more than any other man...so I guess he's like my dad. Anyways...so I drove to go meet the guy.
I left a copy of the directions just in case I didn't come home, so they'd know where to start looking for my body....sorry mom, you didn't want to know that. So, I got to his house, after only getting lost like a million times. i was runnig about 30 minits late or so...but damn I looked cute. Stopped at a gas station and fixed my hair and made sure I was hot...haha. So, I got to the door and he opened it for me. He is so cute. He's only 5'6" (I'm 5'11"), sandy blonde hair, pretty greeny-blue eyes, pretty nice bulid, nice arms, legs, (mom skip this line) nice cute butt, and earings (which, although my grandparents won't like, he's a golfer...so he's got some points on his side.) So we hung out...he was adorable...and I was amazingly comfortable. i was feeling things I had never fealt before, and things I hadn't fealt in a long time. One thing I really like about guys is when there is banter...when we can joke bcak and fourth and he's just as quick as I am. Caleb and I have that. Well, it was funny cuz his brother and his brother's friend were at his house. They were both "drunker than a bicycle" as they put it, adn stubbling through country songs on their guitars. I thought it was hilarious, poor Caleb was embarrassed beyond belief. The night went well, and we ended up just falling asleep together...completely PG.
That's another thing I really like about Caleb. I'm 17 and a virgin, and plan on being that way till marriage. It's very hard to find a guy who is ok with that, most today treat it like its a handicap...like, oh I'll date you even tho u are a virgin...Thats about the point I turn and run. i am very proud of that. I'm sure my mother and grandmother are just whistlin dixie right now. I am though, very proud that I am a Christian and that I'm strong in my faith.
Well, I'm not gonna gush about the guy anymore than this...he treats me like a princess and makes me feel alive and happy again. We have talked on the phone every night for 2 hours or so for the past two weeks since I met him. He tells me I'm beautiful and he wants to meet the fam. If nothing else comes of this, he has brought back the old me, the one that existed before the Ogre. For that, I am eternally greatful. So, he's a great guy...and he likes me back...unlike so many other guys in my past. So, despite the fact that moving here tore me apart, things are looking promising.

Bear

Since I was born, i have always been Bear. My mom used to call me Jerra Beara, or maybe it was my dad...well, he's not around to take credit, so I think it was mom. Anyways, I have always loved that nickname. There is something amazing about that animal in general. i always fealt a sense of pride, being named after a courageous and amazing creature. Well, when I was little and we still lived in Logan, and mom worked nights at the hospital, we had a dog named Chips. Chips was a German Shepard cross, who due to her rough childhood, was crazy. We lived right across from a huge park. It was fantastic. Chips would run away almost everyday, by jumping the fence, and then freak out because she was outside the fence...she was a crazy dog. Well, like with humans, the neurotic yet attracrive one got knocked up. Well, she had her pups on Jakes bed...who exclaimed "Rats...rats there are rats in my bed!!" Bringing both myself and our faveorite babysitter, Rusty running in. The pups were all gorgous. Mom, like the rest of us, loved the pups, but there was a pain in her eyes when she saw them. She knew that with her job, and her lack of time, we couldn't keep any of them. So, when the time came, the five pups were weened and had to go. I was livid...we were giving away part of our family to complete strangers. All my little 10 or so years of intellect would allow me to think, was that Mom didn't love the puppies. Well, all of them but one had been taken. My faveorite had gone a day or so before. The one left was a cute little chubby boy. Saturday morning, I came downstairs...groggy, and sure I had heard something. i called the pup, but he didn't come. I asked mom where he was, and she said that a lady had come to take him a little while before, and that she had called me, but when I didn't answer, assumed I didn't want to have to say goodbye. I am a cryer. i will cry at any given moment if given the chance. I stormed upstairs, furious and hurt. How could she do such a thing. So, I decided that I could no longer live in that house, and I was running away. i packed my school back with the essentials...barby dolls, candy, some lipstick...only the basics, and headed out the back door. I decided I would go hide out at the park. While there, after I stopped crying, I started praying. I told God that I was angry at him and Mom. I told him every little angry thought that came to my mind. Then, he told me to go home, because my Momma was worried. So, I did...I walked back to the house, and got there just as mom was loading the boys in the car to come search for me. It was a cruelk thing for me to do, and I know that now. She hugged me, and let me cry about missing the puppies. Then, we went to Denny's and Wal-Mart...which fixed everything. When we got back home, I saw something in the back yard. I jumped out of the van...and ran to the fence. there, in the backyard, sitting staring up at me was my faveorite little girl pup. Mom decided not to argue, as it was a sign from God. So, her name became Bear. She is my dog, no question. She is stubborn and bullheaded...and a little bit butch, in as much as she is the leader of the pack. Of our 5 dogs, she is the Alpha Male...she has even conditioned herself to pee with her leg lifted. I love that dog...and now, at almost seven years old, she has calmed down a lot, but she still has that fire that I love. On a sidenote...prayer always works...when the girls ran away this week, when I finally prayed...they were home when I got here.